Why wait til you own a boat? name your fridge
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The letter n always has to be the centre of attention.
Wednesday
Instacart – For when you still want someone to call you from the store about your grocery list but you don’t want to be married to them.
*waits till lights dim in the movie theater*
*Takes bowl of hot lobster bisque out of purse*
*recovering from a broken ankle*
My dogs: Let us protect you by making sure we are under every. single. step.
Led Zeppelin: And she’s buying a stairway to Heaven…when she gets-
My wife: HOLD ON I HAVE A COUPON
*applies for million dollar grant to test scientific theory*
What’s your theory?
That money can buy happiness.
Apple announces iPhone bug that allows it to be hacked with a single click, in a ‘more intuitive and natural way than an Android bug’.
“I can’t eat all of that!”
… and other lies I tell
*doctor administers experimental anti bad joke serum*
how do you feel?
“with my hands”
let’s give it a minute
When apologizing, it’s important to not let them see your fingers are crossed. I know that now.
Excited for the return of Game of Thrones.
Not excited for the return of the phrase, “If you’d read the books, you’d know that…”
My scariest campfire story is about the time I held a flashlight under my chin to tell one and everybody started counting my whiskers…
I need an aggressive dog-barking sound on my phone, for whenever anyone knocks on the bathroom door when I’m in there
By the power vested in me by my credit card, I now pronounce you my new fluffy hat. You may now hug my head.
Quite possibly the best sign I have seen before the day ends 😂
In today’s installment of “getting absolutely wrecked by my child” I present her commentary on dinner:
“You did the best you could.”
Telling her you’re a magician is tricky business. First, tell her you’re a puppeteer. Watch her face drop then say, “just joking.”
NOW tell her you’re a magician.
My computer beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing.
I’m pretty sure the dude in the stall next to me is giving birth to a Hummer
I can’t believe that somebody abandoned this perfectly good clothes rack.
It might be time to diet when you ask Siri to call your ” boyfriend” and she dial’s up Domino’s pizza
Boy, Peter Parker is lucky he was bitten by a spider and not one of those fainting goats.
boy pyromaniac: *starts first fire*
Dad pyromaniac: “im so prou-”
Mom pyromaniac: “dont say it!”
Dad pyromaniac: “im so proud of arson”
judge: we hereby find you guilty of parrot smuggling
me: this is bullshit
*from jacket* this is bullshit
She blocked me on everything, she must wanna see me in person
She died doing what she loved: Running for her life in the wrong direction.
Interviewer: How would you say the Queen’s response…
Prince William: Definitely not racistly!
ME: Honey.
ME: Honey.
ME: Honey!
HUSBAND: What?
ME: Yesterday was leg day and I can’t get off the toilet.
Me: “Yes, finally! I got a nice, staple paying job!”
Friend: “Don’t you mean stable?”
Me: “Definitely not! I don’t even know if I have enough staples to afford a horse, let alone shelter it.”