If my neighbors would just talk a little louder I could follow along with their conversation, but no. Rude.
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In honor of Charles Dickens I will also be cold and poor this christmas.
I refuse to acknowledge the new year until the old one cleans up the mess it made.
I like for my resolutions to be attainable so this year I resolve that I will neither become the pope nor will I become a cannibal.
I played the word “mature” in a game of Scrabble. My friend played “immature” and got the Triple Word Score so I flipped the board over.
@isabelzawtun I work at a pet supply store. One time a customer called to set up a delivery. He wanted a dog toy in his order but didn’t know which one. I had to pick out toys and squeak them into the phone for him until he heard the “right one.”
We weren’t traipsing, Mom. We are rapscallions. We galavant.
I’m at the dentist. They put a bib on me and left.
Are they preparing lobster? I hope they are preparing lobster.
I slip the nun 30 bucks and real quiet-like ask to see the “strong orphans.”
Not sure what I did wrong to get targeted ads for pants with underwear sewn in.
A kids program to yell at the kids when they misbehave called Dora The Exploder.
Celebrities are like we’re just like you then they name their kids Fruitcake and Archipelago.
“Failure is how you grow.”
– my bathroom scale, picking the wrong motivational quote
Jellyfish 1: i’m so lonely
Jellyfish 2: you should try dating
Jellyfish 1: idk maybe
Jellyfish 2: *motions to cute girl* i think she’s flirting with you
Jellyfish 1: *enamoured* who is she?
Plastic bag:
Her: undress me with your words
Me: ummm… There’s a spider in your panties?
Clicks “open”
Tries door
Clicks “open”
Tries door
Clicks “open”
Tries door
What the FU..
Wrong car
(I have a master’s degree)
If you ever have 17 hours to kill, ask someone freshly inked what their tattoo means.
Ok I have a confession…. When I was 10 I use to get hungry during the church service and I would sneak to the kitchen and heat up the sausage biscuits they would have in the fridge for Sunday school. I didn’t know they kept inventory. They said 100 went missing in a month 🫠
Jon Hamm, 50: Looks like a million bucks
Me, 45: Looks like a million hams
If Spider Man eats too much fruit he squirts Silly String.
If you’re an adorable old person in a romcom, you’ve got a massive target on your back
Every time I get an eyelash in my eye, I’m reminded of how quickly I would die in the wild.
Who lives in a pineapple under the sea? Nobody, the pH level of a pineapple can not sustain life.
You sound unhinged. Let’s go get mugshots.
With all due respect to Marie Kondo if I wanted to actually get rid of all the things in my life that didn’t “bring me joy” I’d just throw myself into a dumpster
Looks like someone’s thrown Yoda through a window.
Date: you’ve already made me laugh, you can do no wrong
Me: challenge accepted.
Me: How much does this crate of Chinese dumplings weigh?
Guy: One ton
Me: I know what they’re called, I’m asking if they’re heavy
I’m so old, when I type “stan”, ac thinks I mean a man’s name and capitalizes it
I can smell what the neighbour is grilling but I’ll still yell over “what’s for dinner tonight”? and he’ll say “burgers” and then I’ll say “smells good”.
I would love my job so much more if I didn’t have to hide my flask.