This looks like a job for Superman!
-unemployed Superman reading the classifieds
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What I really love about Air Fresheners is how it makes your bathroom smell like someone just shit in your rose garden…
I cannot wear white, things like cereal, soup and pens randomly attack me.
I’d be fine with a ghost in the house if every time a message in blood appeared on the wall it was something helpful like YOUR KEYS ARE IN THE FRONT DOOR.
I fall and drown in the lake. They pull out my body. “It’s so bloated and grotesque” says one. “He only fell in a minute ago” says another
Dear Kelloggs,
Cereal that makes them go back to sleep.
Sincerely,
Tired parents
If the stick figure people started committing more crimes… I could be a legendary sketch artist for the FBI.
Today while in the bookshop I said to the lady behind the counter, “I’m looking for a book by Shakespeare”
She asked “Which one?”
Me “William, HELLO!”
I thought I had a Twitter Crush but his wife thought otherwise
[preparing chicken for lunch]
me: it’s a meal we eat at middaychicken: gotcha
Baristas, stop paintin’ pictures in my damn latte. I’m gonna drink that shit not frame it.
Chris: I don’t care.
Kris: I don’t kare either.
I don’t have a gf, but I do know a woman who in the car often asks where this is going so I show her the GPS & she gets mad for some reason.
ME: Please, I beg you, just tell me the ingredients.
RECIPE SITE: Sure!
ME: Thank you.
RECIPE SITE: After I explain WHY I love these ingredients—
ME: *Whispers* No.
RECIPE SITE: —It was a crisp, fall evening, and I, a wide-eyed college student, was studying in Rome.
Imagine falling in love with someone and then finding out they say “worthwild”
Me: I don’t believe the world is round…
Flat Earthers: *getting visibly excited*
Me: …because it’s actually an oblate spheroid
Flat Earthers: Is that…how flat is that
my only concern about UFOs is if they’re staying they should be paying their fair share in taxes.
[Uncle Sam opening gifts at his July 4 birthday celebration]
*sigh* another stars and stripes top hat
ME: mom we’re out of eggs again!
MOM: it’s ok, there’s cereal
[later]
ME: *throwing cheerios at the mean neighbor’s house* this sucks
I can’t get her off my mind, even the wind seems to whisper her name. Never fall in love with a girl named WHOOSHEE FFREWERRREFSHH.
When bagging my groceries make sure to keep the radioactive bananas away from the mercury laden tuna.
That’s too much death in one bag.
Me [being murdered in my home]:
“Can you take your shoes off?”
Just text my husband to tell him he left his phone behind & someone is calling him.
And now someone’s texting him.
I want my leggings so high waisted I can pull them up over my head and wear them as a hood
Following Prince Phillip’s passing, Prince Charles inherits the title Duke Of Edinburgh. Basically, it all shifts up one. For instance, I’m now my next door neighbour, Pauline Cathcart.
Me: I bought an elephant.
Wife: how much did it cost?
Me: I don’t rem-
Elephant: $32,872.
Wife:
Me:
Elephant: I have an excellent memory.
Me: but he was on sale!
Wife: were you?
Elephant: no.
*Squatting over cat litter box*
Husband: What the fu-
Me: THERE’S A SPIDER IN THE BATHROOM
The rare times my cat approaches me for affection, I run away and hide under the bed so she knows what that feels like.
I asked my imaginary friend if I was emotionally stable, and she said yes, so…
My 9 year old got an IPhone today and so far I’ve had 93 texts and 14 FaceTime calls from the other room just to say “Whatcha doin?”