Me: I love these lazy Sundays.
Boss: It’s Tuesday. Get off my couch and out of my office. And for Christ’s sake, put some clothes on!
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This chloroform smells expensiv…
*Decision made
I was thinking of being narsysistic.
But I can’t spell it.
So I’m going to be vein.
My dog eats his puke and dirty tissues… but I point him to a mushroom I dropped and he gives me the “what is this shit” look.
Really, IKEA? No free WiFi? Or do I have to buy one and assemble it?
People who say “Everything happens for a reason” don’t appreciate the irony when I push them down stairs.
Hey u should give your secret boss this Coke. *bottle says “Share a Coke w/ the Drug Maker Guy”* *undercover cop’s fake mustache falls off*
Me: can you call me an Uber? It’s too far to walk and it’s getting dark
My spouse: … it’s our mailbox. At the end of our driveway.
Remember: You are like a snowflake. Beautiful. Unique. White. Only here for a short time. People get mad when you sit on their cars.
Women’s deodorant: Spring Breeze, Lilac, Gentle Sunshine.
Men’s deodorant: Sport, Mountain, Forest Fire, Rage, Fistfight, Childhood Angst.
[First date after divorce]
Me: I’m gonna need to see your medical records.
Keep your friends close and your enemies wrapped in plastic ready for that long drive to the desert.
I would argue that a small puppy is more work than a newborn baby because imagine if you had to pick up your son and run outside for him to poop in the yard every time he got a certain look in his eye and half the time all he did was attempt to eat every stick out there
[reading of my will]
My son: his shoes!?
Lawyer: he instructs me to say you are his sole heir I’m so sorry
Romantic cop: Here, I brought you a flower.
Competitive about everything cop: Big deal. I brought you a flowest.
From Facebook just now…
If my kids ask, the monster under the bed can only find you if you didn’t brush your teeth
*sips some coffee & interrupts break room conversation*
“Technically we’re all under the weather today unless you’re an astronaut in orbit”
My cousin was Mulder on Halloween. He loves the X-Files! Oh stupid autocorrect. That should have said “murdered”. And “loved”, past tense.
I need my next partner to be absolutely looney tunes for me. Like, heart exploding from chest, tongue rolling out into a carpet, bonking themselves on the head with a hammer when they see me until little birds circle them, etc etc
If I lived in Alabama, I’d name my daughter, ‘Banjo-lina”.
Do you think swordfish are down there just jousting each other with their face all day or what
Shout out to the people who deleted their twitter accounts on New Years, see you in a few days
One day my neighbors will tell a news crew, “She was nice except she barked for an hour every night at midnight.”
I CANT HOLD THEM BACK MUCH LONGER
We keep a potato masher in a drawer because sometimes it’s fun to not be able to open that drawer.
ME: [brutally murdered by police for no reason]
MEDIA: Man Involved in Yesterday’s Curfuffle Had Troubling History of Pot Use and Cursing
When a grammar Nazi gets sad give them a hug and say “There, their, they’re.”
Eating at restaurant with Mom after her doc appointment when phone rings
Me: *phone rings* Hello? Okay. I’m not at my laptop so I can’t answer you but don’t worry—I’m eating an ice cream sundae about it right now.
I don’t care if you have a date you can’t borrow the good porcupine.
Hubs sent me this text:
There’s no wrong way to tell the person you love that their beautiful.Me: *they’re.