An elderly Lady apologized for blocking the aisle at the store. I said “don’t even worry about it,” to which she replied, “oh yeah, cause I was reeeeeally worried about it.”
Guys, I think I just saw future me.
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Welcome to your late 40s. You now have car glasses, office glasses, living room glasses, and bedroom glasses.
Hey Fugeddaboutit
Doctor: eating every 2 hours is wrong
Me: yea, 2 hours is a stretch
ants can carry up to 5000 times their body weight?? pfft. watch this- *goes to stomp an ant but it grabs me & slams me thru a picnic table*
Woman: Does Viagra work?
Pharmacist: Yes
Woman: Can you get it over the counter?
Pharmacist: Yes if I take two!
Conservatives say the problem is Christianity ain’t taught in schools. The real problem is Christianity ain’t taught in church.
The inventor of predictive text has died.
His funfair will be hello on Sundial.
Birth certificates need a popup dialog box: “Are you SURE you want to spell your kid’s name that way?”
Can’t believe there was a time someone had to make me take a nap.
[meets someone on the internet a day younger than me] my child go and live
has anyone maybe thought to check on the mom?
My tinder profile shows me crying holding a mediocre fish.
If your wife is a school crossing guard, you’re missing a huge opportunity if you don’t tell people she’s into human trafficking.
Look, mom, we can keep arguing about whether or not 28 is too old to live your parents but it’s not gonna help us find my iguana any faster.
I went to a singles event once. I didn’t see one slice of Kraft cheese.
I consider that false advertising.
Son: “You didn’t have YouTube or Minecraft when you were a kid? What did you do?”
*flashback to peeling dried glue off my hand*
Me: “Stuff.”
Surprised to hear five people were shot at a Chris Brown show, most notably because why were there that many people at a Chris Brown show?
This is Weller. He picked this flower for you. He also may have eaten a few of them. Not this one though. This one was special. 12/10 we are honored Weller
For newbies
DOM – means Dominos
SUB – means subwayalways here to help! All day 👍
If your wife asks which friend would you like to have a threesome with, name her. Not two of her friends. Trust me guys.
A friend asked for parenting advice, so I walked her through my favorite wrestling holds.
GEORGE SANTAYANA: those who cannot learn from history are doomed to repeat it
HUMANITY: deal
Shoutout to all those whose life is full of “I shouldn’t have done that”
Old timey ghosts are boring. I want to be haunted by a valley girl with giant hoop earrings.
Everyone you meet is going through some kind of struggle, and they also have something to teach you, so do NOT make eye contact.
[friend being eaten by a bear]
*screaming violently*
Me: Stay calm! Don’t move so much! I’m trying to take a picture for snapchat!
My kids teach me something every day. Today my 1-year-old taught me how much plumbers cost per hour. Who flushes a potato?
Welcome to 40…your eyes are now like a camera someone doesn’t know how to focus.
@funTweeters Thanks for publishing my tweets.
My dad just told the famous Christmas story from when I was in 1st grade and asked why anyone would put up a ” Leon” sign
I read the noel sign backwards going on a drive to my grandparents