me *swallowing pride*
baby lion: holy shit
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If I had laser hair I would never get that shit removed.
My fingers are still red from the one Hot Cheeto I ate 17 years ago.
This is worse than season 7 of The Walking Dead
GF: I’m breaking up with you
Me: *folding socks lengthwise* but why
Me: I think it’s time to get rid of that beard.
Beard: Dude?! I’m like right here!
Me: Yeah, you becoming self-aware is part of the problem.
My mother-in-law said “just do what you normally do” when she came to stay with us. Not going to lie, naked Saturday was a little awkward.
Alexa play Metallica…
Alexa play Metallica…
Alexa play Metallica…
Wife: what are you doing?
Me: Trying to get this piece of shit to play some music
Wife: Well 1st off, that’s my coffee thermos you moron…
I’ll say one thing for 2020: it stopped all those stupid “Keep calm and” things in their tracks
Every DJ knows the best response to a request is “yeah sure” then not play the song.
All sex is “make up sex” if you don’t know what you’re doing.
We had a friend install a door for us and now every time we see him he asks us “How’s that door holding up?” and this is why you hire strangers to do house repairs.
What do you call a frog stuck in the mud?
Unhoppy.
#OneLiners #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes #F4F
I tell you, it’s so hot out here I saw a bird blowing on a worm before he ate it.
A guy in line next to me just asked me to hold his coffee and I’m like I’m not looking for anything serious right now.
Remember when you bury a body in your backyard be sure to cover it with endangered plant or tree so they can’t dig it up. Follow me for more helpful tips 👍🏻
20% of traffic accidents involve deer.Who allowed deer to drive in the first place?
saying goodnight to the group chat only to go to the other group chat with 27 of the same people
“even if my client did kill his wife, think of the 7.4 billion people he DIDN’T kill.”
– my first and last day as a defense attorney
Doctor: The surgery was a success and your husband should wake up in a few hours.
My wife: I thought you said this surgery didn’t require for him to be unconscious?
Doctor: It didn’t but he started talking and-
My wife: I understand.
The Joker did a lot of horrific things but the thing I objected to the most was him bringing a date to his open mic.
If by cleaning the house you mean did I light a scented candle then yes I cleaned the house
For the low, low price of a $25 donation, you too can be totally annoyed by me for several days until you pay another $25 for me to shut up.
Hurt my hand so now I tweet exclusively with one of those text to speech things comma I think it’s going well full stop send tweet no don’t type that send tweet I said send tweet are you shouting at your phone nobody asked you rebecca wait no don’t send that
[the creation of nostalgia]
GOD: ok give the children all the happy feelings
ANGEL: okay
GOD: now as they age don’t let them recreate those feelings
ANGEL: uh—
GOD: make them hyper aware that they once had something they’ll never have again
ANGEL: dude what is your problem
You’re born, you grow up, have kids, Mick Jagger is still alive, you die, your kids have kids, Mick Jagger is still alive……
Got CPR and CCR confused. Ended up playing “Fortunate Son” on my boombox while watching a man die.
Level of drunkenness: fed the ATM pizza.
Guys with balls hangin from ur truck. that would mean ur truck is a man,yes? Which means you like to be inside a dude all day. Lol homo. : p
A Florida police dog is being fired after biting two people; but to be fair, who wouldn’t want to hurt people from Florida?
Dude yapping nonstop at the gym just said he works out in the afternoons to avoid people who talk. Is it okay to fling a dumbbell at him?