I want you to cuff my hands behind my back.
Not for sex play but to keep my fingers away from the keyboard after reading some of the stupid shit you post.
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It’s a real shame Friday doesn’t come as quick as I do
Salesman: That’s our best selling couch.
Me: *sits* *bounces*
Salesman: What do you think?
Me: *grinning* Sofa so good.
Salesman: Please leave.
[Me as an Italian language translator]
Police: Ask him where the money is hidden.Me: Spaghetti tortellini Benghazi Fibonacci cappuccino.
hey sorry i just saw this text u sent last month even though my phone is in my hand all day long including when i sleep
Seven words literally no one wants to hear from their teenager, ”how much would a new toilet cost?”
Find everything OK, sir?
Everything except happiness!
You won’t find that at Wal-Mart!
We laughed & laughed until my credit card declined
Looking for a get well soon card but they’re all so inspirational and sappy why not something simple like “I hope you make it through this but if not say what’s up to god for me”
Oh, hey guys how were the bars tonight? That’s cool. In case you were wondering all of the Harry Potter movies are still really good.
If I were a doctor I would become assassinated by the insurance industry after publicly evincing the curative properties of a hot dog and a soda
normal people kissing:
•sensual
•butterflies in ur stomach
•ur the only two people in the worldpeople with glasses kissing:
•clink
•clank
•ok lets take them off
•wait where’d u go
•u feel cold
•oh that’s a lamp
I have more pictures of food on my phone than I do of my children.
Fact: kangaroos will carry their children in their pouches until the kids demand to be dropped off a block before their destination so as not to be embarrassed in front of their friends.
Sometimes my sarcasm doesn’t deliver well and people miss the message. Anyway that’s why I’m stabbing you.
Kidnapping is a dumb crime because you’re literally forcing yourself to hang out with someone
When I pack too much for a short trip.
Movie where someone thinks they’re a ghost and the plot twist is they were alive the whole time
Why do my kids want to be in the bathroom with me? I don’t even want to be in the bathroom with me.
All men reach an age when we greet each other with “There he is.”
5 yo me: Throw my ducky in the bath
15 yo me: Throw on some tunes while im in the bath
30 yo me: Throw the toaster in while im in the bath
Whoever made this compilation of Mel Blanc screaming in different cartoons is a saint.
It took me three decades to become an overnight success.
It’s the “roaring 20s” again so I’m going to take inspiration from the Great Gatsby and continue to not have read any books since high school
Me: If we weren’t related, I’d totally sleep with you. Hot girl: But we aren’t related. Me: Oh good, so you feel the same way too
Someday archeologists are going to dig up Disney World and think that it was some type of bizarre mouse worshipping kingdom.
I saved my Q tip so I could ask my husband if my earwax looked normal when he woke up. This is marriage.
“So lucky our kids have siblings so they’ll always be there for each other,” I mutter as I break up another physical fight between my daughters because they both want to be Hermione Granger for Halloween.
My friend called me from a private number last night so I just returned the favor by knocking on his door with a ski mask on.
Dear Girl Scouts,
Your Mints did not make me Thin.
ps. Please send more.
Interviewer: Your resume only has “Mad” under “Skills”
Me: Yeah boyee
Interviewer: *tears up* You’re just what we need. Welcome to Subway.