Why did the terrorist buy himself a new Porsche?
He was going through a midlife ISIS!!
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Leave ‘em wanting more. That’s what I always
Wow, you forget to buy beer a few days in a row and suddenly your husband is offering to do the grocery shopping, my plan is working, guys.
As a kid my mom laughed at me because I was always worrying about being shot with a crossbow while on the toilet. Well who’s laughing now?
The real you is what happens when you walk into a surprise spider web.
“Bro, you want this pamphlet?”
“Brochure”
I really think Miracle Whip lowered the bar for what constitutes a miracle.
Assert dominance by getting comfy in your dogs bed whenever they get up and leave the room
You kids today with your on demand music don’t know the euphoria of hearing your jam come on the radio without the DJ talking over it.
ME: Sometimes I feel like I’m in a bad tweet
NARRATOR: And he was
ME: I see you
NARRATOR: He could see me
ME: Stop
NARRATOR: I did not stop
Octopuses are amazing in that they can squeeze into really tight spaces to hide.
But when I do it, NO ONE is amazed. All I hear is, “Play with us!” from my kids and “STOP hiding under the bed from our kids, YOU ARE NOT an octopus!” from my wife.
[Sigh]
Small dog owners: My dog chewed on my favorite pair of shoes.
Big dog owners: Yesterday my dog ate a couch.
CASHIER: Would you like a plastic bag you worthless, turtle killing garbage person?
[6 months after breaking up]
Me: AND ANOTHER THING,
I went to the doctor this morning and I have mono.
At my age I think I should have surround sound.
Ironically, my toys are also called Buzz and Woody
My friend is so frugal if he starts dreaming good he wakes up so as to not spend it all at one time.
Pro tip for picking up girls – keep your back straight and lift with your knees.
*laughing* I bought a baby gate (to keep the dog from eating the cat’s food) but forgot to tell my son. A box was delivered with the words “BABY GATE” on it. I was running errands so he saw the box. I got a call from my horrified son asking “OMG NO Why do you need a BABY gate?”
I was drunk wrapping presents so if anyone gets my DNR bracelet I need it back.
“Honey,can u make the dinner reservations for 3 instead of 2 tonight? Debby’s coming”
“We’re not bring ur new chainsaw-”
“HER NAME’S DEBBY”
I like to leave myself sexy love notes in my lunches and act all surprised and giddy like “WHAAAAAT—-NOT AGAIN!” and then proceed to read the note out loud as my co-workers look on in envy.
Doctor: seems like you have a pretty severe brain injury
Me: you can tell that from a leg x-ray?
Doctor: no I’ve read your tweets
[Christmas morning]
Snake: Thank you for the present!
Snake 2: You’re welcome
[5 minutes later]
Snake: Yeah, I got no idea how to open it
Snake 2: Not sure how I even wrapped it
Maybe installing Freudian Autocorrect was not the breast idea.
My secret to making condoms more comfortable is telling men how badly I want a baby
Why is it called drunk texting and not ex-communicated?
so many songs about heartache but only one about a werewolf loose on the streets of london??
Wife: Why are you wearing that?
Me: I wanted to dress a little bisqué
Wife: You mean risqué?
Me: *wearing shirt soaked in lobster soup* No I’m pretty sure I’m right
When a man tells me he’s looking for a ‘real woman’ I scurry away because I’m actually three owls in a raincoat AND HE MUSTN’T FIND OUT.
tried to stop my dog from swallowing a hammer but it was tool ate