[Arby’s]
Me: This horsey sauce barely tastes like horse at all
Mgr: *adding horse shavings* Tell me when
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getting a brazilian wax is just getting the rug pulled out from under you
Remember, your toilet is just afraid of you as you are of it.
Every change you make in life starts with crafting clothes for nuns. It’s all about creating habits.
If you ever get attacked by a shark, just be a good sport about it and let it eat you. Hey, look on the bright side: It’s a rare occurrence, so you’re special.
Croquettes are not female crocodiles
Inventor of beer: This will change the world.
Inventor of beer, after having kids: [invents vodka]
[ice cream parlor]
WIFE: I’ll have two scoops of vanilla
ME: me too, u could say I want an
WIFE AND CLERK: please don’t
ME: ice cream clone
BREAKING: Justin Bieber expresses interest in being baptized. Over 4 million people volunteer to hold his head under water.
I located my husband. He binge watched season 3 of Cobra Kai in one evening then left home to start his own dojo. Please respect my privacy at this time.
Are rhetorical questions really necessary?
ok children, just to recap today’s lesson, let’s now repeat all the words you are not supposed to say.
If you add up everyone murdered in BBC crime dramas, there are actually only 40 people still living in the UK
[trial]
Judge: how do you plead?
“not guilty”
J: but you’ve admitted to dropping an anvil on him.
“he asked me to make him a pancake”
48 degrees & pouring rain. My neighbor is out running because “it releases endorphins”. I’m eating M&Ms and tweeting on my couch because it releases indoorphins.
INTERVIEWER: Your greatest weakness?
ME: I’m told my laugh is sinister.
INTERVIEWER: Lol. That can’t be true.
ME: Mwahahaha. I know, right.
I just accidentally read “Federal” as “Feral” and it made zero difference to the article.
Taught a man how to BUY fish. So much easier.
I want to die of natural causes like being stabbed to death by a rainforest.
We skipped the hour where I was supposed to exercise. Oh well, Maybe next year.
Me: *petting my cat*
My cat: yes, this is great. Ok stop. I said stop. YOU HAVE VIOLATED THE SACRED TREATY THAT HAS EXISTED BETWEEN MAN AND FELINE FOR A THOUSAND GENERATIONS AND NOW YOUR HAND WILL BE DESTROYED BY MY PAW KNIVES.
me: everything has bluetooth these days
dentist: no ya that’s not normal
The guy who pumped our septic tank said everything was good & I felt the same accidental pride that I feel when the dental hygienist says my teeth are ok.
I told my kids I’d rather they “pull the plug” than let me live in a vegetative state dependent on machines.
So they hid my phone charger.
Idea: flamethrower but instead of fire it shoots hungry mosquitos out at my enemies.
Hubs said we should only drink one night a week…. But he didn’t say anything about the day 😜 #sundayfunday
a fun game to play at the zoo is to walk hurriedly past a person and say “they’ve escaped. don’t run. just walk very fast.”
It’s too bad u can’t safely fill babies with helium. How cute would that be to look up and see hundreds of floating, chubby, happy, babies.
Am I the only one who wonders why the Flintstones celebrate Christmas.
When your wife asks if men think about sex every 7 seconds the correct answer is “I think of you all the time dear” & not “Sex with who?”.
Try and stop me.