[prison hospital]
PRIEST: Would you like to ask for forgiveness for anything?
CHARLES MANSON: Not that I can think of
PRIEST: …
CHARLES MANSON: …
PRIEST: Do you want a hint?
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Fun trick: Swap guacamole with wasabi, then watch.
I can smell what the neighbour is grilling but I’ll still yell over “what’s for dinner tonight”? and he’ll say “burgers” and then I’ll say “smells good”.
Executioner: any last words
Me: [very fast] if I’m innocent say what
Executioner: what?
Me: oh man you’re sooooo going to get fired.
microdosing bungee jumping by bending over to pick up a hair tie
16- *bragging about his mustache*
12- Mom’s mustache is way better than yours
Me-
Cop: could you repeat again why you hit him over the head?
Me: I figured a couple of days eating hospital food would make him appreciate my cooking
Whatchu want me to petit four? Pet it your own gotdamn self.
My therapist says I have a preoccupation with vengeance. We’ll see about that.
I love when a company announces it “parted ways” with an executive, like they wistfully waved goodbye to each other at a foggy train station, instead of the guy being marched out the door by security with a box in his hands.
Tandem parachute instructor: Is this your first time?
Me: No I’ve been terrified loads of times
Tandem parachute instructor: I meant doing this
Me: Oh yes, first ever hug and I like it
An orca just threw a molotov cocktail at my house.
Things will never get better until you make the conscious decision to lower your standards.
Cop: Pull over
Me: you cold bro?
Amazon is a $250 billion dollar company that reacts to you buying a vacuum by going THIS GUY LOVES BUYING VACUUMS HERE ARE SOME MORE VACUUMS
well maybe grass should touch me for once, how about that
Give a man a fish. Sure, why not? Go around giving strangers weird fish gifts. Who cares
boss: you’re late
me: and you are not the father
“How’s the diet going?”
I beep when I back up now.
I’ve been asked why I like dogs more than people. Short answer: My dog has never included me in a group text.
I just said “bye – bye” when I ended a phone call, and now I’m debating on if I should have my milk & cookies before or after recess.
OLIVE GARDEN: When you’re here, you’re family!
ME: Can I get a–
OLIVE GARDEN: No, we have food at home.
*Toddler walks up, kisses my knee, turns away*
“Aw! Aren’t you sweet?”
*Toddler kisses refrigerator, cabinet door and dishwasher*
“Oh.”
3yo: I want to help!
Me: You can help by being quiet.
3yo:
Me:
3yo: I want to help in a different way!!!
Coke Zero sounds like a government pledge to eliminate fizzy drinks by 2030.
If you throw a pot of boiling spaghetti at someone’s face and it sticks, it’s done.
I thought this was funny lol
“Oh, we’re going for a 2 minute car ride? Let me just gather all of my worldly possessions and get a little naked first. Oh, & hide your keys.”
-3 year olds.
People said I was wasting my time playing Tetris, but here I am, loading the dishwasher like a beast.
DRACULA: I vant to suck your blood.
ME: “Want.”
DRACULA: Vant.
ME: Wan—it’s a W.
DRACULA: Okay, my intent is clear, and the pronunciation is clearly cultural, so, this is starting to feel racist.
Date: so you were married twice before?
Me: yes
Date: any kids
Me: no they were both adults