[Asking for Sanctuary at the church]
Priest: your girlfriend finally heard that La Cucaracha horn you put on her car?
Me: yeah
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white people love ordering something that’s meant to be eaten with rice without rice and then waking up the next day not being able to open their eyes because of sodium bloat and being like why is korean food so salty like you ate enough kimchi jjigae for a family of 5 martha
During a natural disaster be sure to keep your phone with you at all times. You never know when you might think of a joke to tweet.
Flight attendant: Can I get you something to drink?
Me: What kind of gravy do you have?
Every email I ever send: Hello! I am extremely excited to be corresponding with you! You can tell by the number of exclamation points I use! Here is one sentence with a period so that I don’t come across as manic. Thanks!
For Lent, I am giving up “JESUS”.
PS: To be clear, I won’t use his name as my first attempt on Wordle for the next 40 days.
He can talk about his favourite Indian flatbread, naan-stop.
“You need to chill out, you’ve yelled at everything that isn’t a snack.”
–my 10 year old
I used the word pizza six times in my marriage vows.
DATE: Are we in Starbucks because you’ve forgotten my name?
ME: Haha of course that’s
BARISTA: Latte for Rachel
ME: not true, Rachel
DATE: That’s not mine
ME: DAMN IT
Please don’t take illegal substances.
Or at least, don’t take MY illegal substances.
Packing in my 20s: Toothbrush and bikini
Packing in my 30s: Those things plus a swim suit cover up, 3 face creams, hair products to cover up postpartum hair loss, spanks, sensible shoes, and denture cream.
I accidentally replied “worries” instead of no worries and it was the first honest email I’ve ever sent.
If I see someone has deliberately parked their big expensive car so that no one can use the space next to them I will do everything I can to try and squeeze in to the spot. My record is 6 minutes of careful manoeuvring and having to exit through the boot.
Me: So my car made a noise and..
Mechanic: That’s gonna be expensive.. I can tell already.
We tested 3 new dishwashers at Home Depot before the salesperson made us take our dirty dishes back out to the car.
Paranoid? Nope. I’m just trying not to crash in case someone has replaced the airbag in my car with a boxing glove on a spring.
me: hey can we pick up my mom on the way to church
uber: sure
me: cool I’ll cancel the hearse
*flirting with a guy at work*
Soooooo, what do you do for a living?
Little known fact: a penguin’s head can rotate 390 degrees. Once.
Kid at my door: Trick or treat
Me: (holding warm gravy boat) just on the candy corn or all over?
There’s nothing my kid can’t do. Except anything I tell him.
Standing in the liquor store, trying to decide if tonight’s dose of self-loathing and regret should have a screw-top or a cork.
to people who call it “supper” and not “dinner”: do you also have some crops to tend to? would you like me to go fetch you water from the well past the prairie? are the cold winter months coming? have you hunted for meat recently? is the bread ready? have you smelt the tears of
The only thing I miss about eating meat is the enticing stickers on the packages. I want an avocado labeled “choice cut” or some prime tofu.
After exercising and eating right all week on Saturday I’m like the Kool-Aid man running into Chipotle.
Never do anything you wouldn’t want to explain to the paramedics
When you’ve aged 15 years since 2020 and they still tell you that you’re cute
Me: *leaving flowers* We miss you Auntie Anne
Cashier: Sir, this is a pretzel stand
Me: I know but her actual grave is like, really far away
Black Friday: Because Only in America, People trample others for Sales the day after being thankful for what they already have
If I worked in a tollbooth, every time someone asked me how my day was going I’d say “IT’S REALLY TAKING A TOLL” and then laugh maniacally.