My daughter is celebrating her 17th birthday with her friends at an Italian restaurant. My wife and I discussed what we did with our friends on our 17th and both stories involved alcohol, vomiting, fighting, the police, and drunk driving. I’m so glad my daughter is a square.
You Might Also Like
Honey is one of my favorite kinds of animal vomits to eat.
Thelma and Louise driving off a cliff, but it’s just me holding my friend’s hand until the scary part of the car wash is over
Jesus “I will come back to judge the living and the dead”…. But until then, I’ll appear in dirty ceilings and toast”
found a guy hanging out in an alley in palm springs
I’ve reached the age where people talk loudly and slowly to me.
Dyslexics are teople poo!
Toddler *at 8 AM*: Mom, I had zero candy today
Me: Is this a statement of complaint or achievement?
Why yall taking long at Atm? yall
launching missiles or downloading
Space ships from NASA?
told my son how we used to wear basketball shorts under our jeans and he looked at me like i asked him the square root of something
If Captain America doesn’t have a pizza hidden behind his shield at all times, he isn’t fighting for the America I want to live in.
my toddler lifts up a piece of her salad and declares, “it’s a leaf, mommy.” and then: “let’s put it back outside.”
the girl from the ring starts crawling out of the tv, stops halfway, looks around my room, and crawls back into the tv
Make your own “restaurant style” salsa by adding water to regular salsa.
I would’ve been terrible in 50 Shades because the second a guy said “I don’t do romance” I would laugh and be like NOBODY SAYS THAT BYE
It isn’t a coincidence almost all movies about camping are horror.
Every day Facebook tells me I have memories and wants to show them to me. It’s like they have no appreciation for the cost or the amount of liquor I needed to erase them.
Dad-confession: it took me two pulls to get the mower started today. No one saw it, but I feel I’ve gotta be honest and accountable to all of you when I fall short.
Trojan: Pricier than some other brands, yet still cheaper than Enfamil, Gerber, Pampers, Graco, Fisher-Price, Playskool, Lego, Melissa & Do-
[seeing an angel, appearing to be a glorious half-bird, half-human being]
me: *very hesitantly throwing bread at it*
Just found out my girlfriend cheated on me, but I got her back by sleeping with her best friend. “That’s right, I fucked Gary you whore!!
a tiny insect just tried to fly into my eye then immediately died on the bathroom sink, guys I think it saw my brain
[pronounces lasagna like bologna]
My kids asked me how to spell desert and dessert so I told them to type it both ways and see what emojis pop up
Wife: I wish you’d just admit when you’ve made a mistake
Me: *stirring my coffee serenely* I prefer it with salt
me: this hotel is $100 per night?
clerk: that’s right
me: how much for just one room
Almost nailed it! 😂🤣
The airline I’m traveling in just made an announcement that said all mobile phones, laptops and PAGERS should be switched off. If I own a pager in 2022, I won’t need an airplane to travel. I’ll just use my time machine.
No one
An atheist: I am an atheist btw
Ew, there is no way I’m touching that hand sanitizer dispenser.