Eating vegetables is how to achieve inner peas.
You Might Also Like
I use the incognito browser to search how to do the things I told my wife I know how to do
I’ve lost more friends to Candy Crush than Crystal Meth.
[emerging from a ten year coma]
my dad: look who finally got up
You raised me and taught me everything I know. Happy Father’s Day, internet.
I’ve been repeating the same mistakes in life for so long now I may as well call them traditions.
Using gorilla glue on my next relationship
[cuddling w/ 5 yr old son]
I hope he wants to do this forever
[25 yrs later]
this has lost its charm
Dance like you won’t be turned into a gif.
I’m starting to think the guy that gave me directions to the train station was just talking to someone on his Bluetooth.
Start a slow-clap in a quiet, crowded room. The first person that joins you, marry them. They’re your soulmate.
normal person: 9+7=16
me: if 10+7 is 17 and 9 is one less than 10 then 9+7 must be 16
I spent over $200 at the grocery store yesterday which means there will be no food in my house by tomorrow.
The only vampire who matters to me lives on Sesame Street. The rest don’t count.
My theory on why humans are mostly hairless is we harnessed fire and then kept igniting ourselves
Martha Stewart gives me the crêpes.
Don’t listen to the haters, all mushrooms are edible.
Some only once.
Me: Yeah sorry, I never have my phone volume on, I just can’t deal with people
Boss: I don’t think you understand the concept of a “work phone”
Son: Dad, is cousin Billy a mosquito?
Me: In Alabama?
S: Yeah.
M: Of course not. Why do you ask?
S: Mom said he was the product of insects.
I think it’s obvious that all across America trees are scooping up cats so that they can meet good looking firefighters
“Ah yes, well, the laws of quantum mechanics” is what I’m going to start saying, very pretentiously, when someone says something I don’t understand.
To whoever has my old phone number: I truly hope you’re enjoying those texts from that guy I met at that thing
People accuse me of never giving a damn about anyone but myself, but I distinctly remember saying ‘bless you’ when someone sneezed last year
my cat when i respond to his mournful meows for treats every half hour with “oh we’re singing now?” and start melodically meowing back at him
Interviewer: “Where do you see yourself in five years?”
Me: “I’m pretty sure I’ll still be using a mirror.
Husband: So we’ve basically given up.
Me: On what?
H: *gestures to 4yo carefully piling spaghetti on his head*: Parenting.
Why does everyone mention that in space no-one can hear you scream instead of mentioning something positive like how no-one can hear u yodel
When you ask her
“Have you ever read Shakespeare?”And she answers
“No, who wrote it?” ….Keep moving.
New Year, New Me
New Me [looking around]: absolutely not
might be residually stoned but i keep reading “moonfall” as “moo ‘n fall,” which sounds like the cow version of a slip ‘n slide, and god as much as i love disaster movies i’d much rather see cows having fun