I’m 50. I thought I would have flown through a room almost horizontally shooting 2 handguns at the same time by now 😌💭
You Might Also Like
There’s no graceful way to shove a chocolate truffle in your mouth during an important Zoom meeting.
[new coffee shop]
DAY 1
barista: name?
me: Pru
b: order for Prune!DAY 2
m: Pru. P-R-U
b: Poo!DAY 3
m: JANE… MY NAME’S JANE
Me, at 21: I’m going to try a new hobby this year!
Me, at 28: I’m going to try a new career this year!
Me, at 35: I’m going to try a new spot on the couch this year
[first date]
“Tell me two interesting things about yourself”
well I lie when I’m nervous…
“ok…”
and I invented oatmeal
God: I’ve always regretted not making you the dominant species
Man: But you did—
Dog: She was talking to me
I wanted to buy Mariah Carey’s preferred brand of mouthwash, but my wife insisted we purchase Celine Dion’s. So we split up, citing irreconcilable diva rinses.
Dear Televised Sports Injury,
We saw it the first time.
Thanks.
What’s worse than a chick telling you she only thinks of you as a friend? When she says she thinks of you like a brother.
Sorry I can’t make it to your party this weekend, but I’m busy not wanting to come.
it was love at first sight
I took up MMA to see what I’m made of.
It’s blood…I’m made of blood.
[purge day]
*is not kind*
*does not rewind*
*returns overdue videos to blockbuster*
Bored?
Looking for some action?Call my parents and tell them you heard the price of stamps are going up again.
Does anyone want to be my internet girlfriend?
Requirements:
– Exist (optional)
– Talk to me (not recommended)
– Send nudes (if you want, not to me though, I don’t know what to do with them)
I ask a very tall man if he can help me reach something at the back of the top shelf in a supermarket. He kindly does.
Man: You’d better check, if it’s something only I can reach, it might be out of date.
Me: Excel, could you copy paste values pls
Excel: (smoking cigarette and eating Doritos) yeah I can do it but it’s gonna take like 10 minutes
Me: why
Excel: (eating three chips at once) because I don’t like you
stop calling sandwiches sammies you weirdos
[Dark alley at midnight]
*Knife-wielding punk approaches
Me: “Don’t make me do something I might regret…”
*Punk sneers & raises knife
*I phone up and propose to my married high-school girlfriend
BOSS: It’s come to my attention that you’ve disabled attachments for emails. You have to fix that.
BUDDHA: But attachments cause suffering.
I’ll smash someone’s car window on a hot day if I see they’ve left a chocolate bar melting inside.
“This restaurant is so good I came twice,” she says.
“When was the other time you ate here?” he asks.
“Oh, no, this is my first time here.”
Sometimes I wonder if cannibals see hot tubs as broth for people soup.
The 80s gave me the unrealistic expectation that I would eventually see a mannequin come to life.
Car just drove through the front of my house, because he forgot his corrective lenses. It was a bad case of contactless delivery.
Eggs are just drums you can only play once
Yesterday someone on here said I was more attractive than an actual Prince, and that was a really weird way to discover that my mom had a Twitter account.
Sorry, my husband really tends to frown on me dating.
Jingling your keys in front of a crying baby is a great way to distract them while you steal their wallet
make your kid’s birthday party a special one they’ll be talking about in therapy for years