my mother has a medical podcast where she self diagnoses her ailments it’s called my voicemail and it happens every morning at 9 am.
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Honk if you love Jesus. Text while driving if you’d like to meet Him.
I’m surviving this massive amount of “family time” by pretending they are mental patients and I’m their case manager.
My dog crosses her paws regally while lying on the floor, like she didn’t just eat the contents of the bathroom trash can.
Kidnappers: We have your husband. Send us $10,000 if you ever want to see him again.
Me: Where I should drop off his clothes?
Ok, Surgeon General, alcohol is bad for pregnant women. The warning label might be more effective stating alcohol causes pregnant women.
Homework. The teachers’ way of knowing how smart the parent is.
You know, I didn’t need to find that poppyseed right between my front teeth immediately after I spoke to the kindergarten room mom for thirty minutes to keep me humble but I guess it won’t hurt
Stop pronouncing it “Caribbean.” Everyone knows it’s “Caribbean.”
(my very first day as President)
Alright folks here’s the deal, we’re gonna turn the volume of motorcycles down a skosh
Why should I trust my gut? My gut can’t even tell the difference between “I’m hungry” and “I’m bored” and that’s literally its only job.
Accidentally touched my kid’s toothpaste tube, do I just get a new hand now or what?
I celebrate International Women’s Day by visiting my local CVS and torching all their ‘JUST FOR MEN’ products while screaming: “NOT TODAY!”
Sorry the edible underwear weren’t edible anymore by the time you tried to eat them. It was a long drive to your apartment.
No thanks “protected account”. You can’t trick me into following you!
For all I know, you could be a vegan.
not to brag, but my pizza cutter has 175,000 miles on it
the woman at the tire store told me today to “come back in a week and get my nuts re-torqued”, without even a hint of a smile on her face
I was thinking earlier that what I really need is someone who will ask me a few times a day if I’m hungry and if I am will just fix me food and make me eat it and then I realized I just invented moms
Him: Are u free later?
Me: No I’m expensive all the time
Support your local cemetery
Friend: hey man can you recommend a good book to prepare us for having a toddler?
Me: yeah try the Strange Case of Dr Jekyll and Mr Hyde.
Just by looking into someone’s eyes, you can tell if they have eyes
[interview at winery]
What strengths do you bring to the job?
*long pause while Jesus glares at interviewer*
Are you being serious right now
[The Last Airbender, nervous on a date]
*breaks wind*
Ope, excuse me. I’m a little out of my element here.
After the “incident” at the family cabin, my Indian name is Bounces Off Deck.
Chefs who can’t admit failure present:
Soft-boiled eggs
Steak tartare
Twice-baked potatoes
Sour cream
Calzones
Pineapple upside down cake
[God making African animals]
Screw it. Just put stripes on a horse, make that water lizard really big, and put spots on a really tall deer.
Me: I’m worried about my kleptomania.
Doctor: Here, take this.
Let’s find out what pisses the crickets off and do THAT during the day
My pre-nup will indicate that I’m allowed to unplug your life support system should my phone need charging.