I was telling some bro at a party about how I’m related to Emily Brontë and he said “it’s pronounced Blunt”.
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I told my friends I found my Lasik surgeon on Yelp and they were horrified. Or interested, I’m not sure, I can’t make out faces so well.
Friend: You can’t believe anything in the papers these days. It’s all fake news.
Me: Even obituaries???
Friend: No, those are rea–
Me: [Already halfway down the street] Great news everyone, grandma’s alive!
Crazy that in 2017 auto-flush toilets still can’t distinguish between someone who’s peeing and someone crouching down to get a sip of water.
[Chris Hemsworth posts 85 videos of him working out hard, eating right, and looking amazing]
Me: must be good genetics
Librarian: can I check you out?
Me: sure [spins around]
Librarian: I meant your book
Me: oh yea, that makes way more sense
A fun, gender neutral thing to call your partner: FOOLISH MORTAL
I try to kill that fly in the house five or six times and then just open the storm door and let him fly away. It was never personal.
“where’s waldo?” is a fun book that teaches children how to properly stalk a nice man who has done nothing do deserve any of this. an indispensable resource for every young creep
My kid drinks a teaspoon of medicine with the intensity of a sommelier at a wine tasting.
It’s all fun and games until you send the clapping emoji instead of the prayer hands when commenting on the news of a death in the family.
when u have no idea what ur doing but u don’t let that stop u
sometimes I take the clothes off my treadmill when I run on it & sometimes I just run on top of them
The fact that the Mayans invented chocolate just goes to show what a civilization can achieve if they are willing to do human sacrifice
Just found out the hard way that nude yoga is only acceptable when the entire class is doing it
Preparing myself for a post apocalyptic wasteland by learning how to sleep without the TV on
God: you hate the moon.
Wolf: why?
God: he stole your girlfriend.
Wolf: I have a girlfriend?
God: not anymore.
Wolf: because the moon-
God: -stole her yes.
Wolf: I hate the moon.
God: I know.
Wolf: I just miss her so much.
God: let it out.
Wolf: [takes a deep breath]
Probably should schedule my next dentist appt for this week since I ate some street corn last night and this may be the only time I floss this year.
Sometimes parenting means asking the tough questions like, “Why is there a rock in the refrigerator?”
SHAME ON YOU LOT for showing newby tweeters bad behaviour this weekend
*ring ring*
ME: Hello
FRIEND: Nat. Why is my son saying the F Word?
DR: Good news and bad news
LADY: What’s the bad news
DR: Your husbands dead
LADY: *crying* Oh my god
DR: *holding finished sudoku behind back* Ask what the good news is
Do robots dream of electric sheep?
No one cares if you take an apple or yogurt from the hotel breakfast but apparently if you start filling your ice bucket with bacon it suddenly becomes an issue.
“I need to buy a book for school before tomorrow.”
~ Kids, at 10pm Sunday night
Whisper out to librarians!
6: are snakes just neck?
There are two wolves inside you, I don’t remember what you’re supposed to do with them but I DO remember they WILL NOT do that thing with peanut butter that dogs will.
If your husband tells you you’re being too dramatic don’t forget to bow when you thank him.
If I get married I want my last name to be hyphenated. Mr. and Mrs. Hyphenated.
if I ever look at my phone in the middle of a conversation with you, I’m not reading a text, I’m just looking up the definition of a word I just used a bit too confidently
That mini-heartattack you get when you sport a typo in your tweet.