Friend of mine confused IUD with IED and I couldn’t stop laughing
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Sure I’ll join your Cause on Facebook…Right after I jump out of an airplane without a parachute…
Me: Help! i need my stomach pumped.
911 Operator: Did you ingest poison, ma’am?
Me: No. Pizza.
If yahoo! hasn’t given up then why should I??
If someone shrunk their kids today they’d be cancelled, straight up
Scientists: The impending climate crisis will be the darkest most frightening episode in human history.
Me, who loves Netflix documentaries: Damn that’s gonna be good.
ME: I lied in my interview.
BOSS: what was the lie?
ME: all lies. except about my aunt.
BOSS: she wants to party with me?
ME: big time.
Did you know that simply replacing your cup of coffee in the morning with a refreshing glass of water can leave you both hydrated and in a terrible mood for the rest of the day?
[me giving my friend who owes me $12 a tarot reading] oh wow. okay. the tower. in the tarot this is traditionally the symbol for you owing me $12
Why’s this 66 year old fridge better than the one I got now
Prayers for my children who very tragically found vegetables mixed in their mac and cheese.
All cars should have a robot hand built into the driver’s seat headrest. If you don’t use your turn signal, it flicks you in the ear for the rest of the trip.
Y’all answering phones calls while on the toilet need Jesus
someone trained 10 dogs to jump rope together and I can’t train 2 kids to sit and stay during dinner
My grandma tries to avoid her neighbor who has a crush on her. This is the exchange they just had:
Him: have you eaten dinner yet
Her: I don’t eat
You can initiate peekaboo with the toddler in the next booth, but are you prepared to continue it throughout dinner? I didn’t think so.
In WWII soldiers left burlesque magazines around so if an enemy found it he’d yell “HOt DOG” then howl like a wolf & give away his position
Therapist: tell me your dreams
Me: cheese
Therapist: no your weird dreams
Me: still cheese
Therapist: ok, your sexy dreams
Me: kinky cheese?
i don’t have time to deal with the weird spots on the lawn so i threw a bag of salad over them
From now on, I am starting violent emails with “to whom it WILL concern”. I want to be clear that I am fighting!
I went out for a walk and the neighbor kids asked if I could play. Later losers, I have friends now.
servant: what size should I make the bed?
king: like this *spreads arms*
Son: What is wrong with those people?
Me: Stop staring. They’re indigenous to Wal-Mart. We are the outsiders here.
Just made an annoying kid shut right up by making a throat slash gesture.
So I guess you could say I’m like a child whisperer.
I am leaving Twitter. I can’t take all the political banter and the mean and nasty things people say on here anymore. I will be back in an hour.
date: I come from old money
me: *waving around a quarter from 1955* this doing anything for you
What’s large, black and steals your credit cards?
Sony Playstation
Fun Fact: the average group of 4 yr olds can take up to 7 years to break open a piñata.
Pride & Prejudice is a classic love story about a woman falling in love with a giant house, and learning to overcome her prejudice and distrust (because of said house)
[at the drug store]
Employee: May I help you, sir?
Me (nervously): YEAH, I’M LOOKING FOR SOMETHING CALLED A “CHILL PILL”
*wakes up drenched in sweat*
WAS BINGO THE FARMER OR THE DOG?