I’ve never run a marathon, but once I walked real fast across a parking lot because Krispy Kreme was about to close.
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I called my pet rock Stoney, until one day it flew out the front door and hit a car that ran over my mailbox, now the police call it Evidence.
Marriage is an institution. So is the mental hospital.
Baby sharks can hunt for food as soon as they are born and my children cannot find their underwear drawer.
People say that Twitter is pointless but it’s teaching my children to be self sufficient.
It’s that time of year again where I go to random restaurants to tell random women, “So this is why you cancelled our date” while they’re out with their significant others
“Matter cannot be created nor destroyed…”
Then explain to me why my kids can manage to turn a bathtub full of water into four bathtubs of water outside of said tub?
I told my wife the laundry on the couch ain’t gonna fold itself so if y’all don’t hear from me later she probably folded me like an omelet.
I don’t see any clouds today so where is your data really stored?
20s: Rage Against The Machine
30s: Rage Against Literally Everything
“I’m so hungry, I could eat a human baby.” Everyone in Whole Foods stares at me stunned “Corn-fed organic of course, I’m not a monster.”
°waldo at the gym° can’t none of y’all spot me
[COP] license and registration please
[ME] sure thing
°opens glovebox°
°slowly pulls out middle finger°
The airport called it a “moving walkway” but I felt zero emotions whatsoever.
If I were a bumblebee, this leg hair would be an asset.
The Professor Banned Laptops In Class. Too Bad College Kids Are Petty!😂😭😭
That plant looks good. Let’s eat the bit that stays in the dirt
– first person to cook a potato
Today I ate vegetable lasagna… I don’t wanna talk about it.
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: How come Cinderella was able to talk to the mice but not the birds, cat or dog??
lawyer: juror number four why wouldn’t you be able to serve on this jury?
me: i have ice cream in my car, your excellency.
At this point in my life, the little angel on my shoulder just says “Oh this is gonna be good…” and starts munching popcorn.
[portal opens]
dark lord: FINALLY! EARTH’S TREASURES ARE MINE!
gary: what if the REAL treasure is our friendsh-
dark lord: not now gary
To me, being Single means never having to apologize..
Unless someone drops by my disgusting house unannounced
Whenever I’m willing to sell my soul, there’s usually food involved.
If you get a present from me with scissors and a roll of tape trapped under the wrapping paper, I’m gonna need those back.
Reminder to any new followers…Ancestry.com is NOT a dating site…lesson learned…like 4 times.
[leaning over and kissing my spouse’s forehead]
“Rest in peace.”
My spouse opens their eyes: I really don’t like it when you kiss me goodnight that way.
On the highway, getting passed by a minivan is the football equivalent to getting tackled by the kicker.
those electric paddles they use to restart your heart but instead they perfectly grill your sandwich in 3 seconds flat
In Soviet Russia a bar walks into men. The case of the man-killing-bar remains unsolved.
Day 3 in the desert: I have somehow gained the respect of some birds as they are circling above me in some sort of protective formation