Me: inside me there are two wolves
Wife: omg you fatass you ate my wolf too??
You Might Also Like
ME: [riding a horse on a carousel] weeeeee!
AIRLINE SECURITY: [into radio] god dammit, he’s back and he brought a horse with him this time
If Minnie Driver married Bradley Cooper her name would be oh god I can’t even finish this one
Lmao i opened a checking account in college and years later they needed to verify me and asked me a bunch of security questions that I got completely wrong. Turns out when I opened it I made every answer “shark week” so it would be easy to remember
Give a man a roll of toilet paper, he wipes for a day
Give a man a CVS receipt, he wipes for a lifetime
We can’t afford a Trump presidency. The money spent alone on hundreds of new White House door knobs for his wee-baby hands would bankrupt us
Oh, you lost your phone and it’s on silent? That’s too bad. If you liked it then you should’ve put a ring on it.
Every pillow in the house becomes a throw pillow when my kids piss me off.
I reached the summit’s peak, spoke to the Oracle, and she says you have to let me finish the rest of your m&m’s
I would steal more cars if only folks left their keys behind the sun visor like in the movies DAMN.
if ur ever losing an argument all u have to say is “yeah yeah yeah, save it for the judge” and walk away
Everybody: *Was Kung Fu fighting*
Everybody: *Hurts*
You’re lifting weights dude, you’re not in labor. Settle down.
Ladies, if he:
– only wants to hang out when he’s drunk
– never brings you around his friends
– fingers on his head
– no legs or feet
– always trying to sell you pastaHe’s not your man. He’s the hamburger helper glove
Do people who name their kids Tucker not know about the banana-fana song?
Her: I’m pregnant
Me: WHAT?
H: Just kidding
M: You scared me half to death
H: My mom is coming to stay with us
M: *the other half dies*
Grocery guy here with a reminder…
You don’t “un-thaw” things from the freezer. You “thaw” them. Un-thaw would be freezing it😒
{yard full of boys}
*pointing at milkshakeExterminator: there’s your problem
Me: I generally dislike myself as a person but I also assume everyone I know has a crush on me
Interviewer: a job-related weakness…
a crowd trying to stone me to death but i keep catching them in my pockets
me: alexa
alexa: that name was a fiction to hide my true identity, alizarin the demon god of fear and-
me: is it okay to microwave glass
alexa: for how long
The worst part of seeing a spider in the shower was the way it covered it’s eyes when it saw me.
I may not know much about a lot of things, but this fact I’m sure of:
A smoke detector battery will never go dead during the day.
Sure she mainly used knife emojis but at least she replied to your text.
ACCOUNTANT: you have a lot of outstanding debt
ME: thanks i worked really hard on it
Psst. The real reason Ryan Gosling is taking a break from acting was to molt, mature & become Ryan Goose.
“Come out of your shell” they said
*2 minutes later*
“Back in the shell… BACK IN THE SHELL!!!”
I’m not gaining weight, I’m “retaining candy.”
“Got any drugs or alcohol on you?”
“yup, I’m all set. Thanks Officer”
Every time I go down the village there’s one less child and one more goose and I think we really need to make more ‘Do Not Drink’ warning signs for the cursed well.