My husband said he needed his shirt ironed, so like a good wife, I brought him the iron and he asked for the ironing board too. We have an ironing board?
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Doctor: I have bad news
Me: oh no
Doctor: I just lost a ton gambling
Me: whew, I thought I was dying-
Doctor: I bet you weren’t dying
How to start a fight with your wife:
1- Watch your wife buy a squash
2- Put it on the shelf
3- After three months ask your wife if the squash has a name
God is watching everything. God is sitting on side upper birth.
My plans for world domination will have to be put on hold while I try to open this package of batteries.
Even getting salmonella from cookie dough would not convince me that you can get salmonella from cookie dough
GPS: Take the next right.
Me:
GPS: Make a U-Turn.
GPS: Make a U-Turn.
Me: [Going 70mph down a hill in a Target shopping cart] I don’t know how to tell you this…
My 3 year old cat literally just walked up to me and said, “Mother, it is absolutely shocking how many people on Twitter lie about things their children supposedly do and say.” And he’s right.
before you ask, yes, he can legally do this.
Just got every hair on my body waxed off except eyebrows and head. I look like a naked mole rat.
Men, come & get me if you’re into rodents.
servant: what size should I make the bed?
king: like this *spreads arms*
The deadliest weapon is the mind. Unless you got a sword or something. Or a gun. If you have a gun, that’s definitely the best choice.
If you didn’t wanna hear “Baby smell is biology preventing the mom from eating it,” you shouldn’t have invited me to the baby shower, Carol!
My autobiography will be a single piece of paper that says ‘Ugh’
I just heard a newborn crying & my remaining ovary shriveled up & fell out. I kicked it under the fridge. The ovary, I’m not a monster.
Forget carrying me to bed; carry me to the end of the workweek. Then we can talk
me: I’m sorry, it’s over. I really thought we could make this work but we ran out of time together
veggies in my fridge:
When I die, I hope people react the way my kids do when the iPad freezes.
*checks rear view mirror for the cop car I drove past 15 minutes ago*
My 3yo doesn’t understand Where’s Wally and just keeps hiding the book from his brother
It may snow in Atlanta so I just bought 47 loaves of bread and now I’m headed out to the interstate so I can get stranded in a good spot.
When there’s food around, our cat is like an adorable, fluffy shark circling round.
5: Let’s play house, mommy. You be the baby. I’ll be the mommy.
Me: OK
5: It’s night-night time. Go to sleep, baby!
Me: *Kicks, screams, fusses*
5: This isn’t how the game goes, mommy. I’m the mommy, so you have to listen.
Me: Oh, honey, this is *exactly* how the game goes.
[operating room]
NEUROSURGEON: and now is the most delicate part of the surgery, where we remove the fluid that has built up in his brain…
NURSE: *nods to assistant* he’s ready for the rice now
My wife is leaving me because of my obsession with ‘Star Wars’.
I said: May divorce be with you…
do you swear to tell the truth the whole truth and nothing but the truth
“starting now?”
yes
“the judge looks like squints from the sandlot”
My kid talks a lot of shit for someone who still has to sometimes call for help because he fell into the toilet while pooping.
Me: I just heard a noise
WebMD: Cancer
Sony has announced MORBIUS will be released once a month until their demands are met.
LIFE HACK: If you want to remember something write it upside down on the back of your underwear waistband. You’ll see it when you’re pooping
5: Next year, I’m going to be 6, and my sister will be 2.
Me: Yup, that’s right.
5: And my brother will be 9.
Me: Good job.
5: And you’ll be fort-
Me: That’s enough math for now.