I’m starting to think that the Facebook status update I liked has had absolutely no influence on Government policy at all …
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A large group of Canadian Geese is called a Nightmare.
*nervous sweating* I’m going to go to the bathroom, did you want anything?
(Me tryna flirt)
Got the dermatologist recommended detergent and dryer sheets and I’m pretty sure it would’ve been cheaper to just buy a whole new body.
English is kinda weird but I’m so glad it isn’t a gendered language. It is none of my business what gender bread identifies as.
Courage is taking a selfie at an angle below your chin.
Though I hear their
Helpless cries
I eat
To the company that did an exhausting application and interview process for a job they did not choose me for,
I wish you the bes…eechingly WORST
inefficient if literal:
a dust bowl
her: come over I’m naked
me: ok I’ll bring some clothes
Watching JAWS and really identifying with the shark
GENIE: u can’t wish for more wishes
ME: i wish u had permanent irritable bowel syndrome
GENIE: *sweating* ha ha then again rules are meant to be broken
9yo: What age do kids go to normal jail?
Me: I’m not sure, I guess 18?
9yo: PHEW.
Me:
When my hairdresser asked me if I intentionally styled my hair like that, I panicked.
I told her someone jumped me in the parking and styled it. I’m a quick thinker you know.
It’s really funny that if you drown someone in a toilet in Hitman the authorities chalk it up to being an accidental death
Money is always a motive for murder. Stay broke.
“Daddy, where do babies come from?”
Show him Edna..
[mum stops slicing carrots]
*starts violently gagging until a baby slides out her mouth*
Sorry, the dog stood on my keyboard and liked that Instagram photo of you from 47 weeks ago.
i’m no stephen hawking but i think
what happens is that they cancel
each other out
I’ve reached a fork in the road, thank heavens it was laying right next to a pan of lasagna.
I fold the receipt and place it in my briefcase.
“Now just to be clear, I have to be dead before I use the grave?”
I always took the phrase “God moves in mysterious ways” to mean that he walks like a crab.
My wife has gifted me a bath bomb that looks suspiciously like a toaster.
“See, you’ve clearly never had good mashed potatoes. You’ve got to add butter, salt, garlic, $300 of bitcoin, gravy, a crab leg dipped in butter sauce, chives, tickets to a Rams game, and a light sprinkling of parmesan and then you’ll understand how amazing they are.”
Yo mama so fat she plays Temple Walk.
*beach*
Lifeguard: Dammit, I just stepped on your dog’s crap!
Me: I guess that makes you a liar.
Lifeguard: Excuse me?!
Me: The sign says “No Lifeguard On Duty.”
You say I’m handsome but you also said your employer cancelled your optical coverage & you haven’t had new glasses in 4 years, but thanks.
Me: gets up, wakes kids, empties dishwasher, makes lunches, helps make kid beds, does kids’ hair, makes breakfast for everyone, showers, makes coffee, does laundry
Hubs:
[after divorce]
I think I still know…
*puts on shark tooth necklace*
…what women want.
Him: Your beautiful….
Me: My beautiful what? My beautiful WHAT?!!
70% of the planet is covered in water yet here I am drowning in bullshit.