[Spain, 1578]
“I’m not a witch!”
But all the cats?
“My pets!”
The broom?
“For cleaning!”
The cauldron of boiling children?
“Ok I’m a witch.”
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“What’s the worst thing that could happen?” isn’t supposed to be a challenge.
I wonder if the person who came up with the phrase ‘jumping on the bandwagon’ got really annoyed when everyone else started using it.
Gonna drink a 42 hour energy so I can send three emails
I’ve got roughly 12 hours left of summer vacation, and I’m really starting to think that my friends & I aren’t going to stumble across an alien creature stranded in the woods, or discover a secret map providing clues to buried pirate treasure. And that’s just sad.
Me: If I had a superpower, what would it be?
6YO: Being nice. Not yelling.
Me: Really?
6YO: Oh, I thought it was like which ones did you need.
Me:*opens mouth*
Husband: Don’t. You’re the adult.
Don’t quote me, but I’m pretty sure mint Oreos are filled with toothpaste.
thinking about eating a lot of candy. which i have obtained legaly, through the trick or treat system, for many years
Holy Communion:
PRIEST:”This is the body of Christ. Take it ”
ME:”Uum,can I instagram it first?”
*We laughed & then I was excommunicated*
just saw the gorilla thing. what kind of thoughtless, negligent parent would raise their child in ohio
I can’t believe one of you losers hasn’t married me yet
I need to get baked …goods for the staff party this afternoon.
Sometimes I wish I had Jesus in my life.
Mostly when I’ve run out of wine.
If you see a glass as half empty, pour it into a smaller glass.
Mugger: Give me all your money!
Me: Ok
Mugger: *suddenly poorer*
[police station]
I’d like to fill out a police report.
*describes myself to the sketch artist*
me: spell “Fanshaw”
British person:
[calling in sick]
me: the doctor told me to stay in bed
boss: how long?
me: just a normal size one
Sometimes my body is a temple, sometimes it’s a rundown railroad shack with a clanging crossing sign that reads FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, EAT A VEGETABLE
Turns out my get rich painfully slow scheme isn’t working out either.
Why yes, person on the Internet, I would love to make $596 per day sitting at home. Let’s do this!!!
Me: Now THIS is a housewarming party! Am I right or what? High five!
Firefighter:
Not to victim-blame, but maybe Bruce Wayne’s father shouldn’t have brought his wife and 8 yr old son to a place called Crime Alley.
If he says “you’re 1 in a million” it means he either has no knowledge of the world population or he thinks there are 7000 people like you
Having the time of my life slicing vegetables super fast like I’m a chef at a Michelin star restaurant while the uneven mess I’m creating looks back at me in its judgmental misery *chef’s kiss*
People with FB statuses like, “I’m so angry right now”, then when someone says, “What’s up?” they reply, “I’ll text you.” WHAT ABOUT US?
I posted a selfie and someone commented “Oh my! That was brave.”.
*opens paper towels*
dog
me: It’s not food
*opens mail*
dog
me: It’s not food
*opens package of scissors*
dog
me: It’s not f
Let the sword wielding plants fight the Boston Dynamics murder robots.
A baby bear catches snowflakes.