[Christina Aguilera begins singing the lyrics ‘You Are Beautiful’ at her concert, notices me in the audience, and abruptly stops]
You Might Also Like
Saying you make your own luck is a gross oversimplification. No one ever mentions how hard it is to collect enough leprechaun toenails for a decent batch.
My 8 year old daughter is either sick and needs constant care or she’s ready to move out and start her life. There’s no in between.
I’ve been saying I’ll sleep when I’m dead for so long, I’m starting to really look forward to dying.
Me: Everyone should adopt a dog.
Him: Some people don’t like dogs.
M: Who?
H: I don’t know. Some people.
M: Who?! I want names and numbers!
I thought I was smooth, sneaking away from my date to watch a YouTube tutorial on chopsticks, but all he did was ask in horror why I took my chopsticks into the bathroom.
Wife: Can you put the gps on mute, turn off the air conditioner and the music
Also my wife: why are you grumpy on this long drive
Everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about.
Make it worse by saying they look tired.
me: my fish is very dry
waiter: yes, we had to take him out of the water
me: smart
My uncle has two dobermans named rolex and timex.
They’re his watch dogs.
#wordsofwisdom
If it says, ‘Do not try this at home’ – go and visit a friend.
Yeah I can fight, I’m professionally trained in the style of panic attack.
My thoughts are with you but my prayers are reserved for Kelly on FB that’s cooking a casserole for the first time.
My kidnappers are trying to leave but I bolted the doors shut lol
Before we announce the winner of the Best Bomb Defuser award let’s pause for a moment to remember the runner-ups
COP: pull over
ME: lol no it’s a cardigan
Every Olympic event should include one average person competing, for reference.
Hit a squirrel with my car on the way home from the grocery store. If I knew that was going to happen, I wouldn’t have bought all this meat.
[goes to walmart]
[later]
Wife: Did you get all the groceries on the list?
Me: Even better than that…
[pulls out a four man tent, a DVD of Labyrinth and a bottle of squid ink]
For the love of God, if you leave me a voicemail, don’t just say “Call me back.” Tell me what it’s in regards to so I can prepare my defense
I dropped my bowl of SpaghettiOs and it spelled ‘oooooooo’ on the floor. Spooky
Stickiest things in the world:
3) Lollipops
2) Glue
1) Children’s library books
Why do paintings of people centuries ago never show pimples? Ur telling me these people who drank shit water and took baths 2x a decade had clear skin?
Adultry does not sound fun at all
You know what else is crazy?
*googles synonyms for crazy*
It be like that sometimes 😆
Cling wrap is for people who want to save food but also wrestle a bear.
What’s the normal amount of hair to mail someone? I feel like this is a lot of hair I’m mailing to someone
Hi, fire department? My cat is in a tree. Television has taught me that this is your problem.
If you ever think you can solve a parenting problem by doing the opposite of what didn’t work last time the universe will just be like lol nice try dummy
Dance like no ones watching, clean like the cleaning lady is coming tomorrow