Do people with insomnia know about Coldplay?
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*time traveler returns from 2021*
“Everybody’s at home, day drinking and proving they’re not robots or cats.”
INTERVIEWER: What would you say are your st—
ME: Strengths? Making inferences from minimal data.
INTERVIEWER: Okay. And your we—
ME: Wheat allergies? None whatsoever.
REVOLUTION HAS BEGUN!!!
DRUNKEN GUNSLINGER: Oh, so you think you can poke me, do ya? *draws gun* Well, reach for the sky!
CACTUS: 🌵
DRUNKEN GUNSLINGER: That’s right…
Husband: Some weirdo broke into the house last night.
Wife: How do you know it was a weirdo?
Husband: They stole all my Bruno Mars drawings.
My 6yr old says she’s going to stay up until the New Year, NO MATTER WHAT. She just asked if it was midnight yet, it’s 7:05.
The worst part about getting arrested by a motorcycle cop is having to hug him from behind all the way back to the precinct.
I spend a lot of money at Sephora for someone who’s got access to filters
The book I checked out of the library is so stained and gross, it looks like someone used it recently to deliver a foal.
BREAKING NEWS: Area Dad Wants You To Close The Damn Screen Door; He Isn’t Running A Hotel For Bees
Don’t forget when you’re tanning nude in your backyard that someone is zooming in on you from google earth satellite. You’re welcome.
My one year-old is going through a horrible tantrum phase, muttering gibberish and then screaming when things don’t go his way.
Basically, his spirit animal is Yosemite Sam.
At what point do they stop replacing the wobbly wheels and just send the shopping cart off to live on the farm?
broke: live-action auditions where you have to do shit like “memorize sides” and “look like an actual person”
woke: voiceover auditions where you get to do shit like “never have to leave your home” and “record in the nude”
Woke up this morning and the alarm clock was laughing at me….then I realized it was upside down and the time was 7:07
That’s the last time I go out drinking with you Kevin!
Everyone you meet is going through some kind of struggle, and they also have something to teach you, so do NOT make eye contact.
I hate when sales people say stupid things like “Please stop undressing the mannequins, and your credit card has been declined again.”
Technically, a millennial is anyone who had to learn cursive but never had to use it.
Recipe for homemade charcoal:
1. Put dinner in the oven.
2. Sit down to check one quick thing on the internet…
Movie Exec: Give me 3 realistic ideas or you’re fired
Me: A rat becomes a chef
Movie Exec: ok
Me: A dog plays basketball
Movie Exec: Good
Me: A main character has a bottom row locker at school
Movie Exec: Get out
I’m so happy that I got rid of my $250 cable so I can spend $500 on streaming services.
The dog version of Die Hard:
– Barkatomi Plaza
– John McGoodboy
– Holly Gennaroof
– Alan Rickman is a mailman
– Arfgyle
That 0.1% of bacteria that no household product can kill is what will inherit our earth
I bought a bug zapper fly swat.
So now I look like a madwoman swinging around a small tennis racket, shocking anyone who dares step in my way.
I heard from someone in the know that every bank is going to collapse this week and we should all go to the banks at the same time and get all of our money out
Gonna install a mirror inside my fridge so that every time I open it to look for a snack, it’s always there.
Had my novel “Noah: The Early Years” rejected. They said the story lacks an ark.
I don’t consider myself a controlling person.
Side note: Anyone else have a list of people your spouse can’t marry if you die?
Feet so ugly, you understand why your socks go missing.