2 Smurfs stand over a body…
“What happened?”
“Choked on a sandwich.”
“Nobody helped?”
“No.”
“Didn’t they see him turning bl-”
“…”
“Oh.”
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My soon to be 13-year-old has been wearing my crocs… how do you say “stay in your lane” in Thirteenese?
Sometimes late at night, if you listen real carefully, you can hear parents removing batteries from annoying toys.
My 13 year old doesn’t speak when she picks up the phone. She just listens and hangs up. I think she’s going to be a hitman someday.
Get your kindergartener a watch so you know what time it is every minute you are together for at least a week please tell me it’s not longer than a week
When something is boring we shouldn’t call it vanilla. Vanilla is a rich and complex flavor. When something is boring should call it “red velvet.”
My dogs bowl has DOG written on it so my kids don’t eat it
Before you take advice from me… you should know I walk around my house in my underwear while complaining about being cold.
Superman: I have super strength
Flash: I have super speed
Aquaman: I control sea creatures
Green Arrow: I tell cars when to turn left
[naming god’s creations]
mammal 93: [waiting in line] i can’t wait to hang out with you on earth
insect 7: me neither. you’re my best friend
angel: next! insect 7, you are now an ant
insect 7: yay!
angel: mammal 93, you are now an anteater
mammal 93: ya- wait wut?
Them: Holy shit. How high are you?
Me: *6 minutes later* No, you are.
Never underestimate the power of karate to save a marriage.
Picture this. You’re blind folded. Sandra Bullock tells you not to look. You look. You’re surrounded by garbage and dirty socks. But how can this be? It smells amazing? This is a febreeze commercial.
Sorry I asked, “Is it friendly?” & tried to pet your baby.
why do “youngster” and “elderly” get to be words, but “oldster” and “youngerly” don’t?
The mall reopened today, but I don’t have any Bath & Body coupons so I’m not going.
I’d get into a lesbian relationship just to mooch my girlfriend’s hair care products.
“You probably can’t even tell, but there was an incident with the shower curtain”
I feel a special bond w/ ppl that always pop up in my ‘May Know’ Facebook window. Like u see me,I see u &we’ve both agreed not to be friends
ME: *plummeting to earth* I’VE MISUNDERSTOOD THE INTENDED UTILITY OF PARACHUTE PANTS
It’s time to play “Is My Kid Hugging Me or Cleaning His Nose or Both?”
If you cut your goat in half you’ll have two goats, that’s just simple math.
Wife: do not eat a bunch of deviled eggs. We got a 3 hour car ride home.
Me: eh it’ll be fine by then they don’t really bother me.
My guts 2 hrs into said car ride: you’re not gonna believe this…
Every Liam Neeson movie now is just him talking on the phone then killing people, right?
Before meeting a hot chick, wish I could talk to the dude who’s sick of her bullshit.
Just because you haven’t met the love of your life yet….yeah, no. I have nothing.
Why I gotta scan all my parts at tsa but they cant scan the airplane for all its parts
My text: Have a good day at school!
My son’s text: Thanks. I forgot to have you sign something. Can you show me how your signature looks.
One night in college, my roommate got super drunk pretty quickly and ended up getting sick. We handed her a trashcan, with trash already in it. She puked a few times and started crying, and then looked in the can and yelled, OMG I THREW UP A FORK?!
My mind is always on fast forward while my body’s in slow motion. I’m just like that channel where the sound is out-of-sync w/ the picture.
Spilling your powder while wearing black isn’t the worst thing that could happen to you in the morning.
It’s definitely up there though.