“Let’s do 5 sets of squats & then try lifting for an hour. It looks like you got out of shape after your dad died” ~ Really personal trainer
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Finished building birdhouse. Bird couple coming by tomorrow. In their price range.
This day in history. 1914. The first WWI trenches were dug if you don’t count the one my grandfather was already hiding from the officers in
This man is very sweet with me. I’m calling the police
3yo hit her big sister then asked if I was calling the police. she wasn’t scared she was testing to see if I’d snitch
I like the idea in Star Trek that universal audio translators are a thing by the 23rd century. That means around the 22nd century we just get special glasses that show subtitles
If snails are so slow, why don’t we ever see them coming? It’s just BAM, there’s a snail.
When the zombie apocalypse comes and you’re in Walmart, how will you know?
My wheelchair keeps making a screaming noise when I run over people.
I am a full grown adult. Now listen to me discuss the various plot holes in Paw Patrol.
“I can’t hear you because my eyes are closed.”
– my kid, showing off my exemplary homeschool skills
What are guys wearing their sunglasses on the back of their heads hiding from us?
*getting undressed in front of someone for the first time*
sorry i look like this, i honestly didn’t think i was ever gonna do this again
Billion dollar technology idea:
A printer that works
It’s simple …..when life throws you assholes..rip them a new one.
I don’t want a sugar daddy but maybe like a sugar buddy. I just hit him up like “Hey how are you today?” and he replies “Doing great thanks for asking here’s $7,000. “
[date started at 9 pm]
[9:30 pm] Her: I love long awkward silences.
[10:20 pm] Me: Me too.
Is it still kidnapping if I packed a suitcase?
The best thing about a morning walk at go-to-school hour is I get to crash-tackle all the eight year olds.
Wife: your birthday is coming up so don’t buy yourself anything for the next month
Me: ok I won’t.
[mini-horse walks through the kitchen]
Wife:
Me: starting now.
Twitter crush? Nah, that’s my X girlfriend.
[sex ed in middle school]
Teacher: “Today we are having sex ed”
Ed: hell yeah we are!
Teacher: “Education”
I put so much brandy in my warm milk last night, I don’t even remember going to bed. It was like Milk of Amnesia.
You’re telling me this man will loan me a shark?
*looks up from phone*
Great, I’m inside of a coffin again.
[Voice from police helicopter]
PUT YOUR HANDS IN THE AIR!
*raises hands*
*takes flattering selfie in helicopter spotlight*
*uploads new avi*
My new oil business is a nonprofit but only because I’m not making any money and just buying yachts.
Put those painful memories somewhere the mind can’t see them.
Alcohol: *ears perk up*
What do whales do on a date?
Net flicks and krill.
#WhaleDay #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
ME: being single again is great
FRIEND: really? what did you have for dinner
ME: alfredo sauce
FRIEND: on?
ME: … a plate