My wife rearranged the kitchen cabinets and now I’ll never eat again
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I see lots of millennials doing great stuff and think “we’re gonna be okay,” then I remember they absolutely adored the Jonas Brothers
Seize the day. Repossess the evening. Impound last week. Forcibly confiscate the entire month of September.
Can’t find my belt so I’ll just need to get fatter.
[after the flood]
noah: a lot of those people you killed were my friends
god: i’m sorry here’s a rainbow
noah: that doesn’t really help
god: maybe if you’d stop whining you’d have more friends
FACT: if a cop says FREEZE and then you say “now everybody clap yo hands” he has to drop his gun and clap and then you can get away.
Told my husband I was packed and ready to go even though my flight doesn’t leave for 12 hours, and he offered to take my suitcases to the car as if I really am packed and ready to go 12 hours early.
So he says ” Nice glasses” and I say ” Thanks! They’re for seeing ”
*slaps knee*
I love drinking games…. except the one where you have to try to walk a straight line while saying the ABCs backwards
My sister’s birthday cake 🤣
Chivalry is just the study of green onions right?
Theresa nothing worse about a breakup than your ex’s name autocompleting whenever you type a word that starts with Theresa same letters
I can’t keep up with all of these fake national holidays. So on that note, Happy Merry Brother Sister Taco Baby Mama Daddy Cat Dog Ice Cream Day. Oh and Peanut Butter
I love that Amazon hires data scientists to figure out that based on my excessive paper towel purchase history I likely have two kids and a cat
Me: *lights gorgeous smelling candle*
Him: *puts bacon in the oven*
Me: You win
Worth the read.
Insomniacs who are not afraid of the dark have nighty-night problems but the pitch ain’t one.
I am glad that things are opening up again. Now when I get told to go play in traffic, there actually is traffic.
License and registration please.
“Bears.”
Excuse me?
“Beaaaaars.”
Are you drunk sir?
“BEAAAARS!”
Stop saying bea-
*cop is mauled by bears*
Burglar upon being confronted by the utter chaos of my house, steps back out the window.
“Next house. This one’s been done already.”
What do you mean the project is DUE TOMORROW?!
– a parenting memoir
Getting dressed,
Makeup is looking good,
Awesome hair day,
Feeling great about myself!Put on my glasses….
Damn it!
Shoot for the moon. Even if you miss, you’ll land among the other losers who missed a 15 million square mile target.
Therapist: And what do we do when we’re feeling angry?
Me: *revving chainsaw*
Therapist: No.
#WhenYouAdoptAPet you’ll always be safe from cheese. #tailsofjoy
Whenever I need a few more minutes to get ready, I walk into the living room and say “My dad has that same shirt ” and then watch my husband’s head explode.
Wife wants some excitement in the bedroom so I’m going to put small rubber snakes in her underwear drawer
Them: Can you recommend a show for me?
Me: Captain Caveman?
Them: Maybe something more for adults?
Me:
Them: Sorry.
Crazy how your teeth are just part of your skull hanging right out in the open before you’re even dead.
Springtime ants in the kitchen. Go get mother her killing flip flop.
Dear Captchas,
I swear I’m not a robot, just really *really* stupid