Cheer up.
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You’re not allowed to say “long story short” after talking for 30 minutes.
HIM: whatcha thinkin’ about?
ME: *thinking about how polar ice caps are melting yet Santa still gives naughty children coal instead of a clean, renewable resource alternative* …oh, nuthin’
GF: “You’re cute when you’re drunk”
Me: “You’re cute when I’m drunk too”
The “research” scene in every horror movie
Moderator: your word is “impatient”
Sloth: can you use it
Moderator: in a sentence yes “i am growing imp-“
Sloth: in a
Moderator: you know what close enough *ding*
Sloth: oh great thank you
Moderator: what the
Me: I’ve got mismatched socks do you think that’s ok
Wife: I don’t think anyone’s gonna notice
Me: I’m gonna tell em
I always say I’ll sleep when I’m dead, but I’m pretty sure I’ll still find a way to stay up late.
Woke up thinking I’d look good in yellow.
Nope, looks like I was eaten by a shredded wheat box.
Shoutout to headline writers, making their own fun.
Brain: stop eating!
Me: why
B: you’ll get fat
M: so?
B: there’s only enough vodka to catch a buzz on an empty stomach!
M: oh *stops eating*
Pilot, to passengers: Bit of a…uhhhh…problem on the flight deck…ahhhh…anyone know how much the average woodchuck might be able to…uhhhh…chuck?
Guy who loves tongue twisters: *whispering* It’s my time…
i couldn’t do an interview from home i don’t have enough bookshelves to sit in front of
Yeah I do yoga.
Ninja Yoga.
I’m so good at it, you won’t even see me there.
I’m so oblivious to someone flirting with me that if they told me to take my shirt off I’d assume it was because I spilled something on it
[first date]
Him: *dips chip into salsa rather than scooping*
Me: *gets up and leaves*
(…comes back, grabs salsa bowl, leaves for real)
Her: See ya later alligator!
Me: *slithers into swamp*
I am less the girl you take home to meet your mother and more the girl you take to meet your psychiatrist.
somethings never fade away, like a memory of your first dog, or that line on your stomach after you sit for too long.
Won “Typo of the Moth” again at work.
I’m having problems with favstar. Can all of you trophy me to see if it’s working right now? Thanks.
They say you will eat around 23 spiders in your life, but really you can eat as many as you want. Treat yourself, you deserve it.
Billy Idol: Dancing With Myself
Billy Idle: Sitting With Myself
I just think it’s rude that hockey players work so hard to cut up all that ice and then some big-head jerk on a big zebra machine or whatever comes and erases it.
My kids made a mixture of snow, corn chex, chocolate chips, and apple slices on the kitchen floor so now I need a new house
“Dumb as a bag of hammers” is kind of a stupid comparison because it’s actually quite a clever way to carry several hammers at once.
My daughter asked me why my grandfather was a racist, and if she has to become one too
I said it was because his parents didn’t raise him properly, and he was ignorant and full of hate
As she walked away crying I realized she was asking me how he became a race car driver
Frankly, my stomach would constantly be hurting if I was ever on love island because what you mean our kiss meant nothing. What you mean I have to watch you get to know other people right in front of my salad. What. Do. You. Mean.
listen, i know shrek isn’t REAL, i was simply asking if it was based on a true story,
My girlfriend just explained to me that people can’t actually go through black holes, and now I don’t really care about space anymore.
nothing about reading dr seuss has convinced me that he’s actually a doctor