Engraved on my tombstone:
No matter how the ground shakes
or what you hear,
please do not dig me up.Especially at night.
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SPLOOT
i accidentally became friends with a coworker in their twenties. newsflash: they do not cancel plans at the last minute like ppl in their thirties.
Don’t look at me like that, daycare lady. Yes, my 3-year-old is wearing shorts and two sweaters. When I’m late, I negotiate with terrorists.
A man just assaulted me with milk, cream and butter.
How dairy
[Airport Bar]
Me: I’ll have a beer, please.
Bartender: That’ll be $45.
Me: Worth it.
“If you started at 16 and work until you’re 23.
That would give you 10 years of experience.”
Back to school for you My friend!
Date: You haven’t dated in awhile?
Me: [Wearing Hulk Hands struggling with a burrito] Why do you say that?
🎶 Hummus a tune you’re the falafel man 🎶
ME: Take care of my cat while I’m away?
HITMAN: [screwing on silencer] No problem.
estão todos miauvindo?
Writers who become addicted to pseudonyms have to join Anonymous Anonymous.
I’m too polite to tell you that I dislike you, but if I ever serve you kale…take the hint.
Maybe Bigfoot wouldn’t be so reclusive if we stopped body shaming him
I’d give my left arm to be able to leave work and go kayaking.
Albeit it in very slow counterclockwise circles.
cross bred an apple with a garlic to create a gapple. the only thing that will defend me from the horrid Dr Dracula
I’m no longer allowed to keep my car window open at stop lights because of my genius for accurately describing pedestrians.
*at divorce court
Me: She hasn’t touched Mr. Peppy in 10 years, your Honor.
Judge: I’m sorry – What??
Her: I win, right?
Apparently my kids think, “Be quiet for a half hour so I can take a nap,” actually means, “Host a rave in the hallway.”
Stop it! 😂
I’ve not watched The Traitors and to be honest it’s not as good as not watching Love Island
i bet there’s a couple seconds on that medieval torture stretcher rack where it feels incredible
My dad just found out abt the Simpson’s predicting shit and it was the longest phone convo of my life.
I plan on spending the weekend in a vintage perfume ad (walking, staring, hair, wind).
I like to flush the toilet a few times when I’m on the phone with someone who calls me so they know not to do that again
God: NOAH.
Noah: Yes Lord?
God: Where are the land sharks, flying spiders and the jumping snakes?
Noah: Oh nooooo, did I forget those?
My kid: It’s not fair. You get to do whatever you want.
Me, who just finished scrubbing the dog’s vomit off the carpet and is now cooking dinner for the family:
He wants my carcasses apparently.
I think autocorrect won that round.
God making man in his image was the original selfie
Sometimes I have my shit together, sometimes I eat an unidentified white substance out of my hair and am grateful when it’s frosting.