I was talking to my son and he casually pulled a bag of chips out from under his pillow, and started eating without breaking eye contact
He living his best life
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I met my husband on eHarmony, which is Tinder for back when the smartest things our phone could do was make you pay $2 to play an actual song as your ringtone
I once went to a party with 10% battery life on my phone so you can shut the hell up about your “scary” battle at Normandy, grandpa.
I attend online school everyday.
My kid joins in whenever he feels like it.
My dad just said I should put our dog on “this site– have you been to it?” I went over to the computer. He had written “pomeranians” into Google image search
Wife: Why is there a charge for $3,000 to Men’s Warehouse?
Me: I have no idea. Don’t go outside tho
Put together a list of the PROS and CONS of pizza for those of you who are on the fence!
Hit my coworker with “you’re a lucky man” after I saw a picture of his wife just to let him know that I want to sleep with her
kid: *reading ouija board* she says you should vacuum
mom: who?
kid: grandma. she’s coming back
mom: honey grandma died years ago
[urn falls off mantle]
mom: get the—
kid: —vacuum?
God must really be loving Stupid people.. He created so many!!
Me: I’ve found a needle in the haystack! Only took 3 hours.
Her: no this is a 3/4 inch, I need a 5/8’s.
Me: *begins searching again* you really need a better place to store these.
Welcome to marriage. You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say can be used against you in a court of in-laws
“Most people on Twitter don’t send tweets like this” most people on Twitter are cowards
A white American told me I shouldn’t call myself “British” because brown people aren’t native to Britain.
A white American
White. American.
Child: Can I have some help with my homework?
Me: Sure. Let’s see. [reading] If you have six apples and give one-[10 minutes later]
Me: FIVE. FFS THE ANSWER IS FIVE
Music Party with the wee ones
Me: bet you girls didn’t know I could dance.
5yo: I’ll get you a Band-Aid
I told my wife that she was sounding like her mother and I realized that was a mistake after I regained consciousness.
Good morning to everyone except my baby, who already said good morning to me at 1 a.m., 3 a.m., and 5:46 a.m.
“I want to emphasize this paragraph in my email, but putting it in italics doesn’t seem like enough so I’ll also underline it and put it in boldface, a different font and a different color.” -psychopaths
Steve : I’m going to call it the Steveharmonic orchestra.
*Phil creeps up from behind with baseball bat*
911: Your emergency?
-Karen asked me a question.
911: Not an emergency.
-She asked if I could be more pacific.
911: Cars are on their way.
I wouldn’t mind being put on hold so much if companies programmed in a jukebox so I could pick the music I listen to while I wait
I’m not drunk, I was driving erratically because I had to rescue the cheese that was melting off my Egg McMuffin
Someone called their dog “ugly” and I was not even prepared to fight a stranger today.
I honestly just want Kanye to crash everything, like show up at weddings & to the bride be like you look nice, but your maid of honor has one of the best dresses of all time
It’s like this Bartender doesn’t even realize he’s my date now.
Q: What did the one giraffe say to the other giraffe?
A: “Holy shit I can talk.”
My favourite child is the one who just told me I’m so funny. Don’t know her name yet but she lives down the street.
Barista: How do you take your coffee?
Me: Seriously. Very seriously.
Teacher: We’re going to need you to work with your daughter on humility.
Me: I was never good with weather stuff but I’ll give it a shot.
me: I think I’m losing my marbles
proctologist: I’m finding them