A boy asked his bitcoin-investing dad for 1 bitcoin for his birthday.
Dad: What? $15,554??? $14,354 is a lot of money! What do you need $16,782 for anyway?
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It’s Friday after 2, setting automatic replies in outlook to just say “Chimichanga” with no further explanation.
The negotiation skills of my 6yo about how many more bites she has to eat make me want her on my side the next time I make an offer to buy a house.
I’m being forced to attend a family dinner tonight at a priest’s house…
There’s no such thing as a surprise exorcism, right?
*a dog sits down at a roulette table and pushes his life savings in chips to the center*
Put it all on Grey
*undercover cop knocks* Hi fill out this survey to win a free IPad!
1. name
2. address
3. email
4. where are drugs
*mustache falls off*
Friend: OMG did u see the thing on the news about the sinister clowns?
Me: *flashback to me watching the debate* yeah I think I saw that
Nutritionist: Do you eat salad?
Me: Yes, I love potato salad.
Nutritionist: no
Mother: We named you after my father
Me: Yeah, I understand how time works
If video games really made people violent, I would be jumping on every turtle I saw.
I made a smoothie with oat milk. It was horrible. So next time I will use this recipe:
1.) Take carton of oat milk. Change name on carton to boat milk with sharpie.
2.) Next, float it out to middle of lake.
3.) Last, light it on fire like a Viking funeral.
My 10 year old just told his friend I’m cranky cus I have my “pyramid”.
“Oooo, a window. Let’s see if I can fly through it.” – Dumbass birds
How good looking am I? Put it this way, if a hot girl adds on social media
I know it’s a scam
Therapist: we need to work on YOU taking responsibility for YOUR actions
Me: *pulls a flask out* WHO PUT THIS IN MY PURSE?
Olive Garden. Where the prices are high, but the expectations are low…
you visit my house and within moments i offer you strawberry shortcake. you decline but i put an entire cake on the table and begin cutting it. you are confused. it takes me 45 minutes to eat the entire thing alone and we do not speak
Y’know who else threw the bubble-wrap away without popping all the bubbles?
Hitler
If you work on a farm and your job is to take care of chickens, you are a chicken tender.
The wife says we have to eat all the stuff we’ve collected from fast food places tonight.
Looks like we’re having Taco Bell hot sauce, a bunch of salt & pepper, and a wet floor sign.
I got caught with my hand in cookie jar again.
I really need a better nickname for her.
Welcome to Condescending Club. Even an idiot would know the 1st rule. If not, you want paaaatronizing club. You know what that is, riiiight?
Fact: in the wild, gorillas can go hours without checking their phones for notifications.
The key to a successful marriage is flattering your partner on what they do good.
My marriage failed because she never appreciate how good I am at ignoring her.
Don’t try take your pants off while walking down stairs.
Lesson learned
My husband and I had an argument yesterday, we went to bed angry.
I woke up to a bacon egg & cheese. I thought wow… he’s really making an effort. I ate it.
Turns out it wasn’t for me 🤣
You only hear about careless whispers. Shout out to all the very careful whispers, where the person really thought about the ramifications before they whispered and whatnot.
Keep your friends close and your enemies buried beneath your floorboards
If one ex was drowning and the other was
dangling from a cliff-edge and you had one set of
ropes to save them….where would you hide it?