A boy made a bet with my daughter that whoever gets a lower score on their final exam has to buy the other one ice cream, and I have to give the kid credit because it looks like this “bet” may really be a “date.”
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Boy am I stuffed! I finally finished eating the bag of salt I got for Christmas
Some people smoke cigarettes, drink, post too much on social media…I wait for a windy summer day, find a wedding in a park, show up and release thousands of sheets of paper, tripping after them down the aisle through the crowd wailing “my novel!! my novel!”
my serotonin level is perusing other interests it seems.
ME: [bumps man]
MAN: [spills coffee] Say sorry
ME: No
MAN: Then I’ll see you in court
ME: [remembers I own a camouflage suit] You won’t
Brand new white Adidas completely ruined by 6 steps into the dog park gate.
doctor: the results don’t look good
me: oh god, why?
doctor: *shaking head* the printer ran out of ink
me: I’m cold can I wear your hoodie
grim reaper: no
Strangely, this bacon candle doesn’t even taste like bacon.
Co-worker: Do you have any invisible tape?
Me: You’ll have to feel around in the supply cabinet.
Me: *stomach rumbling*
8: Why is your tummy making those noises?
M: I’ve not sent anything it’s way for an hour, it’s checking I’m still alive
NO SHIRT, NO SHOES, NO SERVICE
Waiter: ahem *points to sign*
Me: oh that’s fine, I’m not ordering anything
Please don’t tell me about your childhood problems, this was my moms cars air conditioning growing up
The funniest thing about being sober is to realize you were so drunk last night you were tweeting all night with a calculator.
Put those painful memories somewhere the mind can’t see them.
Alcohol: *ears perk up*
Led Zeppelin: And she’s buying a stairway to Heaven…when she gets-
My wife: HOLD ON I HAVE A COUPON
My friend told me that he climbed Mt. Everest and I was like, “yeah, but have you ever tried getting out of a waterbed?”
I mean, COME ON! It’s not like I MEANT to serve sangria instead of kool aid to my Sunday School class but at least those animal crackers were straight up legit!
Rats the size of cats!
Cats the size of dogs!
Dogs the size of horses!
They’ve definitely put the wrong prescription in my new glasses.
You know you’re hung over when people recognize you but they think you’re E.T.
To err is human, to eh is Canadian.
My dentist says it’s ok to open stuff with your teeth and that flossing is “the next big scam.” He’s at my house today for a surprise checkup/to ask if he can park a car in my backyard for a few weeks “until the heat dies down.” His rates are very affordable.
groan^2
Husband: Honey, is it called an octopus because it has eight pu-
Wife: No
Doctor: I’m afraid we’ve lost him.
Mother: What? But he was just getting a few stitches!
Doctor: It’s just a figure of speech, ma’am, he’s right here in the morgue.
Anything is ‘bite size’ if your mouth is big enough.
Yes we left some guests inside the park last night. yes we’re going back for them. Calm down
Remember friend.
A $5 iced latte a day is $25 a week, $100 a month, $1200 a year.
After 10 years.. that’s $12,000!
Which is still nowhere near enough to put a down payment on a house so enjoy your espresso in peace.
Saying “have a nice day” to someone sounds friendly, but saying “enjoy your next 24 hours” sounds threatening.