We’re all ridiculous…
It’s not a competition.
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“I’m doing good, how are you?”
-Me lying out of my lying liar hole
*arrives late to the Time Management Skills meeting*
There aren’t as many hot pies cooling on the windowsills as the cartoons had me believe as a kid.
My kid was asked to write about a favorite family vacation at school and she decided to write about the time she watched her favorite youtube family go to Hawaii.
Have you found them?
“Not yet, sir.”
THEY’RE MUTANT TURTLES THAT DO KARATE. HOW HARD COULD IT BE?
“They wear tiny masks, sir.”
did you know you can cancel plans by simply saying “sorry. can’t. i have an avocado that’s ripe.” total legal. even if it’s not true.
I like to think I didn’t lose a girlfriend, instead I gained an enemy.
“Men are pigs” – misandrist &/or world’s worst biologist
Just built a kite that’ll hold my cat. Figured if a mouse helped discover electricity then my cat & I should be able to unlock time travel.
I lost a good friend today, he asked me to pick up some non-alcoholic beer.
Have you ever had your kid get out of bed to knock on your door so many times that you found yourself shouting “WE’RE CLOSED! PLEASE COME BACK DURING REGULAR BUSINESS HOURS!”???
I’m an Easter egg in the streets and a deviled egg in the sheets.
The postman told me he was off to Spain tomorrow. I asked if he was going to Parcelona. He didn’t even smile
Friend: You sent her off to her first day of Kindergarten! Did you cry?
Me: Of course I cried. I’ve been waiting to feel this kind of freedom for five and a half years.
[waking up in a ice-filled bathtub with a fresh wound across my abdomen] oh Jesus God no, somebody took my wolves
I don’t think a lot of people remember the psychological grip Nutella had on the American psyche in the early 2010s… It became its own governing body at one point
Date: Do you practice safe sex?
Me: I use the pull out method
Date: That doesn’t work!
Me *pulls out accordion*
Date: I don’t want to have sex with you
Me: It always works
Protip: Women do not consider puffer fish to be a cute pet name or compliment.
Quick befoure all the Americans wake up let’s add a loaud of U’s to moure words
I want to open a Vietnamese restaurant called PhoNomNomNomenal ™️
“You can check out any time you like, but you can never leave.”
“But after that I’m not responsible for any more room charges, correct?”
My 7 yr. old thought it would be really funny to hold up a sign in the back window of the car that said “HELP ME!”. It was not.
the trick to parenting is appearing to present a united front with your partner while subtly implying that the other one is really the villain
If I were a waitress, I’d be planting fake engagement rings in every girl’s food, just to see their boyfriends panic.
As a precautionary measure, the last time my mom asked me to help with her phone, I made sure to delete the Twitter app.
Remember, that the reason your kids can be so fuckin annoying sometimes..
Is that they’re miniature versions of you
Only Christopher Walken can get away with saying stuff like you wanted to chance at the dance but you forgot your pants.
[at the dentist]
him: come and lie on the chair
me: ok
him: not face down
if you’re a shakespeare character your chances of getting mauled by a bear while a clown watches are low but never zero