Friend: Onamatopoeias make me violent.
Me: Gulp.
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hell hath no fury like a toddler who lost the chance to push a button
My walk of shame is walking past the people I just said goodbye to because I went in the wrong direction and had to go back.
Neo is 57-years-old he’s definitely taking the blue pills.
My teen thought it’d be funny to unfriend me on Facebook. I laughed and laughed and changed the wi-fi password. Good times!
I ate 4 lunch ladies before someone explained that’s not what they’re for.
FRIEND: Weighted blankets are great for anxiety
INTERNET: Weighted blankets are great for anxiety
DOCTORS: Weighted blankets are great for anxiety
ME: [trapped & unable to escape from a weighted blanket] Well, I do feel anxious
*lady shares a wallet photo of her son*
*i pull out a 20-part accordion wallet photo set of my dogs*
Only 2 more days till the day after tomorrow
The only way I’d see Taken 3 is if Liam Neeson gets kidnapped and his daughter has to rescue him
Interviewer: How do you respond to criticism?
Me: Violently.
Interviewer:
Me:
Interviewer: No further questions.
Giraffe: That’s the most disgusting thing I’ve ever seen!
[5 min later]
*vomits*
Flirt with him. Drop down and pick up your asthma inhaler. Look back, readjust your glasses.
She believed she could so she did and now I have a meeting with her teacher and the principal.
Cow stumbles into a pot field. The steaks have never been higher.
Monopoly made me believe there would more bank errors in my favour as an adult.
WIFE: Please take the trash out
ME: Ok
*later that night*
ME: I’m having a nice time
TRASH: Wow, the food here is spicy AF
Friend: you know what would suck
Me: yes, being a claustrophobic turtle
Friend:
Me:
Friend: how do you even function
Don’t run with bagpipes. You could put an aye out. Or worse yet, get kilt.
Taking my roomba out back because I suspect it’s been reporting back to Bezos
“Do you expect me to talk?” He asks.
“No, Mr Bond.” I reply, loading Titanic into the Blu Ray player, “I expect you to cry.”
[math class]
ME: {whispering} Were we supposed to draw a giraffe or a graph?
FRIEND: Graph. Wait did you draw a giraffe?
ME: Uhh-
FRIEND: {looks at my paper} But this is a graph.
ME: Yeah I’m not very good at drawing giraffes.
Watching my mother-in-law order at Starbucks is like watching a drunk gorilla try to start a car with a french fry.
Reasons to jump:
1. Trampoline
2. Skydiving
3. Bungee jumping
4. Kris Kross made you
No, YOU just googled “emoji meanings” to make sure you’ve been using the correct ones….
My wife and I met at a ‘Make a Jelly in the Shape of a US President’ class, and I knew she was the one, from the moment I set Eisenhower.
One time, I broke my iPhone
and for 2 days I had to tweet from my Macbook like a God-dammed homeless personI don’t like to talk about it
[breakfast table]
Me: Who killed the entire box of Lucky Charms?
8: Not me
9: Not me
CEREAL KILLER: Not me either
I moved to this city ten years ago with just the clothes on my back. I soon learned that I’d also need some clothes for my front. City people aren’t as open minded as you’d think.
“I’m just gonna pull on weird animal parts until something comes out that I can drink”
-guy who discovered milk
HER: your phone is exacerbating our problems
*i pick up my phone*
HER: your behavior is untenable
“hold on I’m still googling exacerbate”