Let me make this abundantly clear
– window makers probably
You Might Also Like
[terrible nursing home]
Old guy: How did you end up here?
Elderly me: I made my kids steak instead of hot dogs.
Him: *gasps* You monster.
“I gave your number to everyone on the playground so that their parents can call you for play dates whenever they want”
-my son casually threatening me as I tuck him into bed-
#PleaseGoToChurch 😂😭
A lot of parenting involves doing really nice things for your kids, and your kids making you regret that decision instantly.
“Damn girl are you?” -Existentialist pick-up line
her: thanks for catsitting! everything go okay?
schrödinger: yes and no
I like when a restaurant has cloth napkins, ’cause then I can unroll them with the calculated fervor of an assassin surveying his tools.
Only cowards need to take bath salts to bite a stranger’s face
i hate when my iPhone corrects “omw” to “On my way!” bro i am not that excited
If I close my eyes while my 3 year old pours her cereal I can hear the relaxing sound of thousands of Cheerios raining on the floor.
Mama Bear: The porridge is ready
Papa Bear: Perfect let’s leave for a couple of hours
Moonlit nights are the best when you light a fire in the pit, have a glass of wine and the neighbor didn’t hear you come outside.
I was having a shitty Thursday. Then my ex texted me. Now I’m having a shitty Valentine’s Day as well.
Don’t forget to cut me off so you can be the first person to the red light.
Librarian “SHHHHH”
*Turns lawnmower to low setting*
When I worked at a bookstore, I learned that when an author like Dean Koontz signs his books, their resale value goes up.
I also learned that when an author like Stephen King signs Dean Koontz’s books, the price goes even higher and that Dean Koontz is not amused by this.
I should have used more oils to get this off easier..
I’m trying to jerk it off but it won’t come.
Honey, dinner is stuck to the pan.
*[at the sperm bank]*
I’ll have a cup of Joe, please.
Apparently I have a few “tells” when I’m angry.
But I light things on fire when I’m happy too so don’t pretend you know me.
Her: this isn’t going to work out
Me: *in the kiddie pool in full scuba gear* Why, what’s wrong?
Remember that it’s “i before e” …
Except when feigning a heist on a
weird, feisty, beige foreign neighbor.
What if everyone had the same neckline as Troi?
I fed my dogs spaghetti so they could kiss, but instead they’re growling over a cold meatball and not sitting still for my painting.
*gets on knees and prays*
Please Harry and Meghan on House Hunters International
them: what are you think-
me: FOOD
My son eating a radish for the first time, “It tastes like angry celery. Just why.”
[Breaking up]
It’s not you, I’m just trying to focus more on Batman now.
hate when you’re not sure if you shouted OH NO before or after you answered a call to someone you didn’t feel like speaking to
ME: it’s a dream come true i never thought my team would sweep the world series
OTHER STADIUM JANITOR: sooner you pick up the broom the sooner we go home
I’m impressed by girls who paint their eyebrows on. How do you pick one facial expression for the whole day? Like what if you find a penny?