Cheese is plural because you never eat just one chee
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How did ppl describe the size of hail before the advent of sports?
I don’t really like the paper towel holder setup here.
Time for a new house.
and on the 6th day god created coffee so thee would not commit murder or some shit like that. amen.
Unicorns are absurdly close to being horses. They are one bone more than a horse.
If you love unicorns but are not sated by horses, consider that maybe what you really love is bones.
Wife: Whatcha got there?
Me: Nothin’.
Wife: Why are there crumbs on your face?*holds out hands*
Me: I brought you a box of donut.
Be nice to Canadians, American tweeters. We’re going to need somewhere to go after this next election
[at a Doja Cat concert]
me [loudly]: PSPSPSPSPS
BOSS: I’m sorry I just don’t trust your judgment.
ME: [trying to pick up glass of water with both fists wedged in Pringles tubes] explain..
Do bouncers get paid in toothpicks or are they a part of their uniform, or what exactly is the deal here?
I enjoy a good short stor
My credit card company sent me a final notice bill. Good, I was tired of hearing from them
When my cats look out the window at another cat I like to pretend they’re judging and disparaging it with little British accents.
*carrying an armload of condoms to the CVS counter*
Excuse me, where are the fitting rooms?
Toilet roll shortage. Fine.
Potatoes. Yes whatever.
Chocolate shortage.. PANIC BUY.
philosophy professor: you must question everything
[later]
me: *grabs lamp and shakes it* what have you been doing all day, you piece of shit
Told my wife “I’m not mad, I’m disappointed” and now she’s not mad, she’s furious.
me: I need tires
michelin: here you go
me: now if only someone could rate my restaurant
michelin: you’re not gonna believe this
It’s called support maybe you’ve heard of I.T.
Think you know guilt?
*takes long drag on cigarette*
I’m the wildebeest who killed Mufasa.
*exhales*
I hear Simba’s screams every night.
Me: pass me that cup
Kid: *gives me cup*
Me: I didn’t say simon says haha
[Later]
Me: PASS… MY… INHALER
Kid: not falling for that again
Cats can use their whiskers to navigate in the dark. I use my toes. And shins. And lots of cursing.
Adoption agency: so did you have any specific ideas of who you want to adopt? Age? Gender?
Dave Seville: do you have three anthropomorphic chipmunks?
[alarm clock goes off]
ok it’s happening again
it’s a day and it’s here again
*googling*
day again why
how to unsubscribe days
[donating blood]
Nurse: you’re looking faint. Can I get you a drink?
Me: no thanks, I’ve just had like 60 of those strawberry Capri Suns
I love when my friends start selling weight loss shakes because that’s one less person I ever have to talk to again.
If I’m still single on Valentine’s day I’m going join a dating agency for sure!
Husband: ….
My bank statement looks like a 9 yr old stole my debit card & used it to eat lunch at every shitty place he could think of for a month.
I’ve been with my bf for a little over a year now and my future mil has already vowed to never speak to me again. How was I chosen for this blessing? Did I win some kind of award?
Gonna drink a 42 hour energy so I can send three emails
My body is a temple, please leave pizza and tacos at the altar.