“It’s pretty neat how the laundry keeps washing and folding itself.”
-my family
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Many parents are faced with a daunting task during the quarantine: how to ground a child when we’re all grounded.
Sometimes I swear I’m reading a post about a reliable used car and the whole time it’s a man wishing his wife a happy anniversary
[sees co-worker the next day after failing to kill him on purge night] mondays am i right?
As long as my family keeps calling it “The Twitter” I’ll know I’m safe here
He wanted to role play, then got all mad when I acted like a prohibitionist and banned sex.
Shaved my legs for the 1st time in forever today. It was like taking a bulldozer to the rainforest. Birds flying out, villagers scattering.
I’m no mathementientist, but I should probably go to bed because it’s 4AM and I’m making up words again.
I think it’s unfair that when a human eats uncooked fish it’s “sushi,” but when a fish eats uncooked human, it’s “a shark attack.”
Kids, in my day we didn’t have text messaging. We had to write a “Do you like me: Yes or no?” note and pass it through 17 mutual friends.
[slowly rises from trashcan while 2 friends are making plans without me]
i am also free that day.
I am NOT just ‘a piece of meat’ you know. I’m a ribeye steak… a bit fatty, but still quite tasty.
Ok, I lied. I’m pork butt.
Gimme a cheese sub, hold the cheese
“Um, just the bread?”
No bread thanks
“I erm?”
Just butter my hand. And quit gawping I ain’t got all day
He obviously thinks I’m some kind of maritime explorer, like calm down Magellan
“I’d like one personal pizza please”
Pizza: Your life’s a mess. You should lose 10 pounds. Call your mother.
“Whoa maybe not that personal”
Man Who Didn’t Order Anything Online Still Checks Name On Package Just In Case Amazon Sent Him A Little Present
Each time I use an exclamation point, I feel as if I’m shooting my sentence out of a t-shirt cannon.
Gonna eat this baklava wearing a balaclava whilst playing a balalaika
I find so much of my wife’s hair in the shower, I stashed some silver bullets in the nightstand. Just in case.
Mailboxes were invented so you know how far away you can be in a robe before you look like a mental patient.
i think i blew my interview with that tech company when i said my biggest weakness was eating the free snacks
“Oh, I like your coat!”
“What? This old rag? It cost 2p! I’ve had it for ten years. I found it in a bin. It’s seen better days. I hate it. Been meaning to get a new one. Thank you, though!”
Any car can be a dream car if you fall asleep while you’re driving.
To all the 20 somethings waxing, shaving, plucking, nairing and lasering every surface of their bodies for date night, I’m here to let you know that once you’re married, your spouse will not let the fact that you could easily braid your toe stubble deter them from getting laid.
In my dreams last night, I met God. He gave me the manuscript for His novel to read, but I never read it, & I had to avoid Him in the town.
Accidentally used a toe of newt and eye of frog and now Kermit wears a monocle.
we are always told “don’t eat the cookies that are cooling on the tray” and then “don’t eat the cookies that are in the jar” the loophole in this system is to eat the cookies while they are still baking in the oven.
It’s not so much sneaking out of my kids room after she falls asleep as it is doing a trust fall out of her twin bed and hoping the discarded stuffies catch me.
The most disappointing sentence in the human language is “This next song is off of our new album”.