Went to an Air & Space museum today, nothing was in there. I asked “So what’s the exhibit?” & the guy was like “You’re breathing it, man.”
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Dog 911: what’s ur emer-
Dog: MY HUMAN IS TALKING TO ME
Dog 911: so?
Dog: THEN HE ANSWERS FOR ME IN A WEIRD VOICE
Dog 911: OMG
Dog: OMG
It’s not a War on Christmas til the first 12 foot skeleton is spotted choking out an inflatable Santa, you weirdos
My kids are playing cowboys and Indians. One is pretending to ride a horse and shoot stuff, the other is providing tech support.
[me as a knight]
Me: squire, young squire…do you have the time?
Squire: sir by the judge of the sun, it is 3pm
Me: wrong squire, it is (shutting visor) knight time
We have a house full of chairs and couches, yet my 3-year-old chose to sit on a grocery bag full of bread.
You can’t explain children. You just survive them.
{Me as a police trainee}
COP: So whoever killed him—
ME: Or WHATever kil—
COP: Nope. No. That’s not a real thing. WHOever killed him… did it with something sharp.
ME:
COP:
ME: *Quietly to myself* Or someONE sharp.
(To the pilot as I’m getting off the plane) Yeah right here is good.
Dam, girl. What did you think I was building?
– Beaver
Can we go skydiving on our first date? I want to hear what you sound like when you think you might die.
-me, flirting
Just installed an egg cannon on the hood of my car. Flipping people off and cursing at them just doesn’t satisfy me anymore.
40% of North American teens can’t even find ISIS on a map. Talk about ignorant
wife: that’s a turtle with our daughter’s face on it
me: I searched the whole casino
Spent 10mins fighting a spider last night before finding out it was a flake of cardboard
I’m fine
coworker: how was your weekend?
me: sucked, I had to move
coworker: you sold your house?
me: no, my wife made me get off the couch
Bought two shirts at Kohl’s and according to their calculations I saved $2,750.
Toddler: I won’t eat that lovingly prepared, absolutely delicious, gourmet meal because it’s yucky
Also Toddler: Eats 5 week old goldfish cracker from car seat and cries for more
Crime tip: commit all your crimes in space NASA is not the space police there are no laws up there you will not go to jail
Just enjoy the pool, I don’t need to see a picture of your feet by it.
Instead of a flask I keep a small kitten in my jacket pocket that I pull out for a quick pet whenever I need a pick-me-up.
GRANDPARENTS: This used to be orange groves.
US: That used to be a Blockbuster.
KIDS IN THE FUTURE: All that used to not be underwater and also somehow on fire.
Doctor: I need to draw some blood
Me *hands him a red crayon* haha
Doctor *stabs it in my arm* haha
The first rule of Hide a Vegetable in a Sentence Club is always be true to yourself.
me: *doing the hokey pokey, turning myself around*
therapist: ok what was that all about
[The inventor of biscotti]
This coffee would be so much better with a crouton
Hate when I zone out while someone’s talking to me and they have the nerve to ask me a question like I’m in 5th grade and they’re a teacher.
Nothing can destroy your good opinion of a company quicker than working for them.
My parents didn’t raise me to be disrespectful. I had to practice.
celebrating pi day by not knowing when to stop
wife: please don’t pick any fights this year
me: im over that stuff [shows up later to my kid’s birthday party with a piñata shaped like one of the other parents]
*Comments on Facebook picture*
“That headband your baby is wearing really accentuates her baldness.”