me: [sprinkling white ash on the ground in the shape of a pentagram]
build-a-bear employee: please don’t do that
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[scene: a smoky Paris bar]
BARTENDER: You feel trapped, mais oui? You hunt the rabbit, but the rabbit, he mocks you. Always you are made to play the fool, in a cycle you cannot escape.
FUDD: *nodding bleakly* I’m suffewing, Henwi.
You know you’ve mastered marriage when you shout to your husband, “Take the thing off the thing,” and he immediately removes the tin foil from the baking sheet.
A married woman hit on me today and it was the most uncomfortable and awkward moment I’ve ever had with my wife.
It’s hilarious when movies are like, “you will get training for 2 or 3 months and be the greatest fighter who has ever lived.”
why are we keeping it a secret where i’m supposed to tap my debit card. why am i slowly sliding it around the screen like i am cracking a safe
Sometimes I wake up grumpy; other times I let her sleep…….
before coffee: don’t talk to me
after coffee: please don’t talk to me
Delete the phrase “it goes without saying.” Nothing goes without saying people are idiots
Bought two shirts at Kohl’s and according to their calculations I saved $2,750.
For years I’ve been needlessly struggling w/ not having enough money until an internet commenter changed my life by telling me to work hard
I put my phone in airplane mode and started constantly banging my knees on stuff.
Just know that when I say “the other day” I actually mean anytime between yesterday and 10 years ago.
“Are you busy tomorrow?” My dear, that entirely depends on the rest of the information you’re about to give me.
“moon all gone! moon all gone!” is my toddler’s terrifying new way of saying good morning
[on a first date]
Her: Tell me about- [paper wrapper from straw hits her face]
Me: *sets straw down* Sorry
him: *walking into the kitchen* don’t you feel guilty eating Nutella right out of the jar?
me: *licking the spoon* only if I can’t finish the jar
It’s important to tell everyone you think Valentine’s Day is just a dumb, made up holiday. As opposed to all of the other holidays, found naturally occurring in the wild.
I feel sorry for non-glasses wearers. They’ll never know the joy of cleaning them & suddenly being upgraded to the UHD package.
No I don’t carry “a” grudge. I carry like 20 grudges and keep about 50 more in storage to sort through later.
4: Water!
Me: Ask me nicely
4: Actually, I’ll get it myself
Office Quidditch but the golden snitch is the last free donut.
ME: “My time machine works! I just killed Bobby Hitler!”
FRIEND: “You mean baby Hitler?”
ME:
FRIEND:
ME:”I’ll be right back.”
scared the mailman today by coming to the door naked.
Not sure if he was more surprised by that or that I knew where he lived…
You can take the girl out of the food court, but not this girl. I’m staying.
One man has two TCs, an ex with a troll account & a girlfriend who knows his passcode. How long does this man have to live?
Show your work.
Claustrophobia is the fear of closed spaces…
For example, I’m going to the liquor store and I’m scared that it may be closed…
I just yelled “WAKE UP,” to which my 4 year old responded “WHYDONTYOUPUTONALITTLEMAKEUP,” so no one question my parenting ever again.
Me: So what’s this lowlife in for?
Zoo guide: Again, this isn’t animal prison
What I heard:
Wanna see who can outstink each other, pick ticks, worry about serial killers and fight bears for the good pooping spots?What they said: Want to go camping?
Guy at the urinal next to me was pee moaning so loud, I thought he was going to breakout into an Adele song.