[googles “camaflage spiders”]
-no results-
phew.
wait…
[googles “camouflage spiders”]
-11,345,453 results-
motherf
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not now, i’m busy doing tax crimes on my abacus
he literally just said, “everyone’s saying i won the debate.”
is it possible…hear me out…trump has an imaginary friend named Everyone?
I, too, am shocked Ted Cruz has had sex. I just assumed his kids were born when he ate after midnight and got wet like in the movie Gremlins
Did you ever think about ten years ago you’d be saying.. “I really hope this is a chick I’m talking to”.
Why the phone ring longer when u ignoring the call
Since we don’t get one single trick or treater in my neighborhood, I’ll just get 5 large bags of candy.
Please put away that scary photo, Tina.
That’s my X-ray.
I’m not sure what’s worse: the fact you dated a skeleton or that its name was Ray.
If by putting clean sheets on my bed you mean I piled unfolded clean sheets on my bed and then used them as a cuddle buddy for a week, then yes, I put new sheets on my bed.
“That’s gonna drive me nuts” – peanut farmer showing off his new truck
The only drawback to having your groceries delivered is now an unknown number people know my cake habits.
Oh my. I haven’t laughed this hard in a while. Good ol’ Winnipeg. 🤣
trump is putting everyone who works at goldman sachs in the government so that there’s no one left to run GS and they go out of business
When #EgyptAir announced “he’s not a terrorist, just an idiot” My ex wife phoned to see if it was me.
Me: i’ve lost 10 pounds in 2 weeks
Friend: Wow! What’s your secret?
Me: be fat first
Removing the pots and pans quietly in the morning is the adult version of Operation.
the economy’s so bad that all the online submarine experts from last year had to become bridge experts
A library patron stops in her tracks at the reference desk, studies me, and says: “You’ve gotten a few gray hairs!”
“Yeah, I get one every time there’s something I want to say out loud at work but hold it in instead. Oops, there’s a new one.”
Peregrine falcons: Attack from above. Prey on smaller birds. Silent. Cowards.
Geese: Will land in front of a full grown man. Hiss and honk to let you know battle has commenced. Audible boss music. Brave.
I solve the trolley problem by choosing whichever option is more inconvenient for the passengers
When wood plank seating is finally abolished, it’s over for you benches
Lifeguard 1: How was your day?
Lifeguard 2: Sad, I saw a bear in lake
1: How is that sad?
2: He could bearly swim!
1:..
2: He ate 3 campers
Why is it that “fire sauce” isn’t made with any real fire? Seems like false advertising.
My standup has no deeper message and if I find out I’m empowering anyone or anything I’ll quit.
If Edgar Allen Poe didn’t have a cat named Poepurry, then I question him as a writer.
Being my friend is great because I will probably make you a lasagna at some point but terrible because I will make you listen to a five hour Spotify playlist
they need to increase life expectancy so I can squeeze in another mid-life crisis
Find yourself a person who…NO. Scratch that.
Find yourself some cake.
How I flirt with my husband:
I’m about to go to Whole Foods, so don’t report a purchase of $275 for eggs and milk
My sports team is better than your sports team!
“Is not!”
Is too!
“IS NOT!”
*pulls out giant foam finger*
Whoa man, be cool
What’s the proper salutation to use when writing a resignation letter to your children?