when the solution to your problem doesn’t exist on stack overflow:
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I appreciate the optimism, guys, but I’m fairly confident it’s going to be Charles.
[diner]
Waitress: What’ll it be?
Me: (doing connect-the-dots in the kids menu) A giraffe, I think.
yeah i got a gym membership. its called life. watch me lift this big ass rock. now im gonna do 20 reps of pretending im a beautiful bird
[blind date]
Date: tell me about yourself in 6 words or less.
Me: I’m a creep, I’m a weirdo.
Date: [laughing] nice Radiohead reference!
Me: [laughing louder] what Radiohead reference?
I do nostril kegels. Girls love strong nostrils.
Overheard, my kids-
7: did you know when you’re older you’ll have boobies like mummy?
3:
7:
3:
7:
3:
7:
3:
7:
3:
7:
3: don’t be silly, when I’m older I’ll be a panda
me: *summoning the hotdog demon by nailing a shitload of hotdogs to the wall in the shape of a pentagram*
hotdog demon: *sigh* not you again
Being an adult is like watching a foreign movie with no subtitles in a crowded theater, everyone else knows what’s going on and you just nod
Don’t be mean to people. With the way the economy is going, you might have to eat those people and your anger is just going to make their meat all stressed out and stringy. Choose love.
Do you like vampires?
🟩 Nosferatu
✅ Yesferatu
I haven’t watered my plants in months and they’re thriving!
-my kid not realizing what moms do
My kid wants to make a trap to catch rabbits from our yard for pets. I believe in supportive parenting, so I told her if she can catch them she can keep them, and then I told my husband that if he helps her the rabbits will be the only ones getting frisky
Him: [handing me $20] here’s your Christmas present
Me: thanks [handing it back] here’s yours
Huh, this is a first
Never had an ambulance follow me to the gym before
They must know
BOSS:You were supposed to get an inconspicuous heist car!
ME:No one’ll suspect the google car
B:It’s literally documenting everything we do
Popped out a tiny human today so thats neat
“Finish your peas. Kids in China are starving”
“Finish your math. Kids in America are cheating off the Asian kids”
Me: Shout out to all my homies!
Homies: Stop shouting at us.
OMG I BOUGHT A MASK AND A GUN AND NOW EVERYTHING IS FREE
*amasses epic army of stoners but we do nothing because epic army of stoners*
*ninja group therapy
Therapist: Nobody showed up *again*?!
*at the end of a 3 day weekend*
Me: I will miss the kids when they go back to school tomorrow, I wish we had more time
The universe: here is a snow delay
Me: no, not like that
I think if a trained monkey could drive a car, cook & give out money, my kids wouldn’t notice it wasn’t me. I need a monkey.
If I was named Edward Normus, I’d use my first name’s initial and my last name as much as I possibly could.
Buying a well is money well spent.
[straw house]
Wolf: [big inhale]
[gun cock from inside]
Wolf: [soft exhale]
[in space]
ASTRONAUT: Up here you can have delusions
ME: Haha I don’t think so
A: They can seem real
GANDALF: Don’t believe him
ME: I don’t
I’m jealous that when an athlete gets injured it makes headlines. I need that kind of attention. “We at ESPN are reporting that Ron stubbed his toe on a table and when he went to look at it he hit his head on the table”
the lady that filled the bird feeder was two hours late and chester was starting to get pissed
Dogs will go through amazing effort to get a better view of your plate