I’m going to write a comic book about a superhero whose superpowers include super speed, teleportation, and surprising unsuspecting citizens with mimosa stations.
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Why do we only do certain things for toddlers? Maybe I want some applause when I eat a piece of fruit.
Lego better be trying to cure child cancer with how much their shit cost.
my dad didn’t let me date untill i was pregnant…
I’m starting to get to the age where I need a well thought out plan in order to stand up.
ME: Alexa, am I drunk?
TUBE OF PRINGLES:
Every photo taken inside my house has at least one laundry basket in the background.
Danny: I got chills, there multiplying.
Sandy: *they’re
If u ever rob someones house just bring guacamole that way if they catch you you can just yell surprise and tell them they’re having a party
I can’t stop laughing at this
The projected sales figur-
*phone buzzes*
the proj-
*buzzes again*
*checks phone*
Excuse me for a moment gentelmen I’m being owned online
The outskirts implies the existence of the inpants.
The early bird gets the worm but the early worm gets eaten, so… I choose sleep.
Practicing safe sax
Me: Want a back rub?
Wife: It depends
Me: On what?
Wife: Have you been watching pimple popping videos again?
Me:
Wife: No. The answer is no.
every time i drink milk i remember my roommate who used to put powdered milk in his milk so he could drink “more milk per milk”
Pocahontas: Did you just give me a fake name?
John Smith: …
Might send husband a nude so he’ll come upstairs. Then I’ll make him help with the laundry.
My daughter acts like she’s on the police hostage negotiation team anytime me or her mother goes to the bathroom & shuts the door.
A model train set is the male equivalent of 25 cats.
“Full House fans have found a 1993 episode of the show called “Be True To Your Preschool”. In it, Loughlin’s Aunt Becky stops Uncle Jesse (John Stamos) from lying to get their toddler twins into an ‘elite preschool'”
AAAAAAAAAAHAHAHAHAHA
I’m sorry you had a bad experience at our restaurant. To make it up to you, here is a coupon for more of our terrible, terrible food.
“This one’s cute.” – me picking out a watermelon.
I have no idea what I’m doing.
When your pet is staring at you, it’s probably thinking “I wonder how long those things live.”
[first day as a vet]
me: what’s the problem
cat: meow
me: yes but where
[Jr. Biology class, girls in jumpsuits burst in]
OK, who’s ready for fun? We’re The Photosynthesisters & we’re gonna talk 2 U about PLANTS!
It’s nice that friends keep picking up my kids for play dates.
It’d be even nicer if they’d stop bringing them back home.
Sorry kids I missed your childhood, I was busy trying to align a picture on Microsoft word
$10 says some idiot is gonna hear the word Ebola and think “that’d be a great name for my new baby!”
I just searched for a picture of “desserts” and a photo of grapes popped up. What kind of sick person has grapes for dessert?
*Girl opens Xmas present*
“Why’d you get me carrots and lettuce?”
“Wait but that means-”
*Hamster at home wearing glorious diamond earrings*