I would totally waterboard you.
-me flirting
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Instead of saying a package is Family Size, it’d be more helpful if it listed a time frame, like 3 Hours Worth of Cookies.
It’s Cyber Monday, sooo…. what are you wearing?
Next door’s newborn has a really distinctive cry it goes “VVVVRRRROOOOOOOOMMMMMMM!”
It’s not a breastfed baby – it’s a formula one.
HONEY QUICK COME HERE THERE’S A COMMERCIAL ABOUT MENOPAUSE
hate seeing someone driving a cement mixer and theyre mixing the cement as they drive. mix it at home and just drive
When in doubt, just do the opposite of whatever the person wearing pajamas in public is doing.
I need to work on controlling the look on my face when I’m listening to stupid people.
WIFE: Don’t go into the ball pit with the kids. You always lose your keys.
ME: *already in the ball pit* You’re not going to believe this.
The beastie boys didn’t prepare me for all of the rights we actually have to fight for.
i’m all for human rights and shit, but if you’re on a tour in a factory and decide to wander off, it should be legal for the floor workers to hunt you for sport
I made all my money in the 80s selling Rubik’s Hammers. They were for b****-a** Cubes that thought they were smarter than you.
GIRLFRIEND: How am I gonna tell my dad I’m pregnant?
ME: Leave that to me.
[later, at dinner]
HER DAD: *grabs chest* I’m having a heart attack.
ME: Oh no! Grandpa’s 😉 having a heart attack 😉
whenever I watch shows like Love Island or Love Is Blind the first thing I think about is how they got that much annual leave
If you’re testing me, we failed.
BRAKING NEWS!!
This empty can of Cheese Whiz will now be known as Cheese Was.
Me 🙂
My brain: there are dudes in prison who manage to find girlfriends on the outside, but you can’t get someone to text you back
Me 🙁
I didn’t say you’re dumber than rocks I said you’re dumber than A rock. That’s an important distinction because if you put enough of the right kinds of rocks together and heat them you can make a computer.
Those traps inside ancient temples still work after thousands of years but you sit on your ear buds ONE time…
Sketch artist: Two criminals? You just described a vase to me
Me: Look at the negative space either side of it
Sketch artist: Holy shit…
*runs into a burning building to save the fire*
My wife says I’m wasting my time on Twitter.
She doesn’t understand the meaningful interactions I have with people.
me making someone eat a chip with my mind
*Adds broccoli to recipe for the health benefits*
*Picks broccoli out while eating it*
Psssst … Hey buddy … One hit of this stuff’ll take you right back to ’79
*slides over packet of Pop Rocks*
teacher: your son was caught smoking pot
me: did he say where he got it?
teacher: yes, his best friend
me: [tearing up] he really said that?
Police:Is there anything you can tell us about your attacker.
Me:He was much better at fighting than me.
Police:Ok is there anything else?
What does stormtrooper armor protect against, exactly? Knives?
Did you know a tornado with no debris is called a naked twister?
Related: This evening is not going how I imagined.
If I knew you in high school and your Facebook profile picture is a baby I’ll assume you’re Benjamin Button and unfriend you.