so i told my boyfriend i was having my period and he said “Again?”
you know what, you’re right im going to cancel that monthly subscription
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Spotify should have helpful mental health suggestions like “your top listens are Taylor Swift and true crime, go to therapy”
Welcome to Mixed Metaphor Day: it ain’t rocket surgery guys
Why did the new psychology student eat their textbook?
Because the professor said it was a piece of cake!
😂
I shaved my legs today and it was the fastest 3lbs I’ve ever lost in my life
[No sports whatsoever: Day 3]
*cheers loudly for the leaf that blew across the yard faster than the other leaves*
accidentally put my phone on airplane mode when i was in my car and the tires fell off
[In bed with gf]
“Do you have any fantasies?”
Yeah, one. You know your friend Sarah, the hot one?
“Yes.. why?”
I want to hit her with my car
(Guy who was trapped in a well for 20 years standing in front of the Get Well Soon cards at the pharmacy, frowning)
ME AT AGE 6: I am 6 and three-quarters as of tomorrow!
ME YESTERDAY: I am…I wanna say 32? Wait what year is it?
The only good thing about grinding your teeth at night is that every morning you can wake up and do a line of teeth off your pillow
Call me old-fashioned, but I believe marriage should be between a person who hates pickles and another person who will eat that pickle.
Ever worry that spiders have 8 slippers to slap you with?
“Hello, customer support. How may I help you? You’re looking for a refund? What seems to be the problem?… I understand. Please hold while I direct your call to our mean person.”
Gf: What’s the dog eating?
Me: Piece of hotdog.
Dog: [chewing slows] WHAT.
Robber: Give me your phone and don’t try anything funny. *looks at my tweets* Ok, I see that you haven’t.
Fecking hate sellotape should go sit in the wrong corner with everything else I hate ….
I made the mistake of telling my son he should think of some game ideas we could work on and now he wants to know why the project is behind schedule
Day 15 of unemployment, still no job listings for dog petters
british waiter: what topping would ye fancy on yer pizza?
british guy: tea
british waiter: jolly good choice
[both laugh britishingly]
Teleportation seems like an awesome idea until Creepy Stan from down the street is suddenly washing your back in the shower.
This intermittent fasting thing would be so much easier if I could just move the clocks ahead so willy nilly every day
Feeling sad because my hamster died… Well he’s not ‘technically’ dead yet, but I ran out of food so it’s really just a matter of days.
After watching Honey Boo Boo, I realize America has much bigger problems than the national debt.
WEBSITE CEO: We need a fool-proof way to ensure everyone who enters the site is over 18
“What about clicking on a button that says I’m over 18?”
WEBSITE CEO: Bob, you have done it again
Just updated My Facebook status from “Single” to “In a Trinity”. #wayoverdue
Next time someone comes over to hold my newborn I’m going to ask them to unload the dishwasher and put the laundry away first
do you feel like your mouse is heavier when you’ve copied something and lighter again once you’ve pasted it or are you normal?
Nudes are overrated. You should probably just send me a picture of those little plastic swipy things in your wallet.