Friend gave me a ‘stress’ ball to squeeze when I’m tense. Did what I always do when nervous, I ate it.
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We had 7 chocolates and 3 kids, so I ate 4 cause I am a problem solver.
[the first couples argument]
Adam: It’s Christmas Eve.
Eve: No, you idiot. Christmas is tomorrow.
Cyndi Lauper: “Girls just want to have fun.”
Me: “Some of us just want eight hours of uninterrupted sleep.”
“Stop trying to give your words depth and gravitas by attributing them to a faraway old civilization.” – ancient Chinese proverb
My mother’s birthday is on Monday.
I bought, among other things, a tin of her favourite shortbread cookies.
They were very good.
I should get some for her as well.
Me: . . . and why’s it called Ireland, anyway? Are they irate because their patron saint was Scottish, and never actually drove any snakes out?
Priest: *grabbing mic* does anyone have anything to say about the DEPARTED?
4-year-old: That chicken is weird
Me: What chicken?
4-year-old: That chicken
Me: That’s a whooping crane
4-year-old: So that’s why it’s weird for a chicken
Misery loves company. But not you. Even Misery has standards.
My wife and I were happy for 24 years. Then we met.
Me: I haven’t tweeted in days.
Wife: Oh no! Hold on…*opens laptop
*typesWife: Phew!
Me: What?
Wife: Looks like the Internet survived.
1st date:
(don’t let her know how self centered you are)Me: what’s your favorite thing that I’ve said so far tonight?
One of my favorite scientific discoveries in recent years is that among domesticated animals, dogs recognize the difference between themselves and people, but cats just think the people who live with them are terrible incompetent cats
Why did they call it Social Anxiety and not Hey Fever
Doctor: and you’re exercising regularly?
Me: actually when I do it, it’s pretty weirdly
[BAR]
Me: What do you recommend?
Barkeep: Moscow Mule, Mojito, Old Fashi-
M: [Puts finger to his lips] which tastes the most like Capri-sun?
[varnishing an old rocker]
keith richards: what the hell man
I remember one time I caught my ex talking to some dude in an indie band and was telling him she’s sad and she said something along the lines of “my boyfriend is a musician (me) and hasn’t once made a song about me or how he loves me” like bro I play the drums wtf lol
My mechanic told me I have to pick up my car by 5:00pm but there’s no way I’ll be strong enough by then.
you got mad on your own you can get happy on your own
-me giving a baby advice
Me: School is delayed. There’s too much ice.
5-year-old: *whispering* Thanks, Elsa.
When you wear a cardigan for the very first time it’s just called a card
Me: We need a more colourful couch
My kid *carrying paint colours*: mumma what colour would you like our couch to be?
*hits bong*
*abuses bong*
*bong calls bong protection agency*
*bong custody taken*
*bong put in foster home*
*bong misses old life*
Directions: Allow food to sit and cool for five minutes before eating.
Me: No.
I guess if macaroni had to be named after a body part, elbow was better than some other options.
Friendly but loud reminder to NOT FEED STALE DUCKS TO BREAD k
Him: Why do they call this five alarm chili anyway?
Her: You’ll find out tomorrow.
[next morning]
Him in the bathroom *screams*
Her yelling: That’s one!
Him *screams*
Her: That’s two!
everyone gangster til the tickle monster show up
Home is where the bag filled with plastic bags filled with plastic bags filled with plastic bags is.
Friend: Did you already eat or do you want to get some food?
Me: Correct.