My kid just ended a call with his teacher by saying “this call has been going on a bit too long bye” and honestly, goals.
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ME: [in santa costume, covered in chimney soot] that was hard. how does santa do it
WIFE: well santas not real, hun
ME: [drops cookie] WHAT
In Canada alcoholics go to EhEh meetings.
ANYTHING can be considered your job if you hate it enough.
Sometimes, I like to establish dominance over my shorter friends by telling them we need to hurry, and then climbing up a staircase, two steps at a time.
Me: I’ve never met a toilet I couldn’t clog!
Job interviewer: …And a weakness?
Allow me to play for you the song of my people
*Sound of chip bag opening*
Shout out to the person who had the balls to open the first no kids allowed restaurant
Last night I was walking Bizzy, and a friendly stranger asked how old she was. When I told him, he said: “She don’t walk like she’s 15 though!!!” I…I think he catcalled my dog?
I hate getting cut off because I’ve “had enough.” Who are they to say how much butter I need on my movie theater popcorn?
The Lost & Found Desk at the casino was no help whatsoever in locating my $762.
The only time I ever make a good call is when I order pizza
My mom used to beat me with a camera.
I still get flashbacks.
at its core, Harry Potter is a beautiful story about the value of having a hot mom
[Paranormal Investigator shows up at Disney World]
Ok, show me this so-called “haunted mansion”
Why is fried chicken the only food we can buy by the bucket?
My boyfriend talks to everyone while I stand by quietly planning my escape.
My kids found their Kit Kats and then accused me of hiding them. Like WTF, how shameful are these kids to go into my closet?
Officer: We’re building the Death Star as fast as we can.
Vader: I have new ways to motivate you.
*implements margarita Tuesdays*
Me: What music you into?
Date: I love hip hop
Me: Yeah me too
[thinking of something to say to impress her]
Me: Soup Dogg is my cousin
Waiter: How did you find your meal, sir?
Me: Yeah, it was nice.
Waiter: That’s not what I meant and you know it.
Me: Another waiter told me where you hid it.
Me: *wakes up sobbing*
Him: Again??
Me: I’m just so terrified…
Him: You really have to stop dreaming you’re a published author and are asked to read a passage to fans, which includes the word “vehemently”
Me: I know… I know.
I’ll take all that stuff you’re giving up for lent.
*requests to be buried in jaws of T-Rex skeleton so it looks like I went out fighting*
It’s only a matter of time before the casino realizes that baby I lost at the roulette table wasn’t mine
After slaving away making a full Christmas dinner, my 3yo looked lovingly at me and smiled. Then five simple words left her mouth… “can I have cereal instead?”
Little known fact: the eye is actually the least dangerous part of the entire tiger
Date: So what’s your backstory?
Me: Arthritis.
[Time is NOT Real Institute]
BOSS: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?
ME {coyly}: Time is not real
BOSS: Ah, very good. That was a test. You seem like the right guy for the job…. When can you start?
ME: Right away
BOSS: …
ME: Oh shi-
People who are “more than happy” should donate serotonin.
[visiting America]
Me: Popeye’s? He’s that spinach eating health nut isn’t he?
America: sure is
Me: oh hell yeah, finally a salad for lunch
America: lmao nope