Barista: How do you take your coffee?
Me: Seriously. Very seriously.
You Might Also Like
The snake that couple found in a bag of lettuce in Aldi is just one more in a long list of reasons to avoid salad.
[wife comes out wearing pretty dress]
me: that’s my favorite dress
wife: aww, how swee-
m: take it off
w: but we need to-
m: I wanna wear it
Saturday night is for moaning My name. Sunday morning is for chanting it.
I wish they made barstools with seat belts and dual side airbags.
ME: my apologies sir I totally thought you were someone else
HIM: *pulls plunger off his face* well don’t let it happen again
I remember being about 6 years old and my grandfather did an Easter egg hunt for me and my sister. We looked for hours and found nothing. He later told us it was to teach us a very valuable lesson: Easter is not in November.
Me: I look cute today.
Camera: No.
I paid a mime good money for a box and now I can’t find it.
My new lady Dr just flirted with me. Bit her bottom lip and told me I’m too sweet.
*Her exact words were “severely diabetic,” but I know how to read the signs.
Her: I ran across a YouTube video called “Why You Will Marry the Wrong Person.”
Me: Did you watch it?
Her: No, it was 22 minutes long. I figure I’ll just take my chances.
[therapy]
HIM: Should we talk about the elephant in the room?
ME: I don’t like to talk about him
ELEPHANT: Ok wow I’m like right here man
*wins oscar
I’d like to thank my legs,for always supporting me;my arms,who are always by my side& also my fingers,I can always count on them
Her: Babe, you know there are 206 bones in the human body. Maybe later, mine will have *sexily* 207?
Him: *Googling “can girls grow extra bones”*
Seven years ago THIS was all we had to worry about.
[Husband 911]
Me: I just shattered the gravy boat.
911: She’ll kill you.
M: I know.
911: We never spoke.
M: What?
911: Good luck
* Click *
omfg i HATE when kids scream in public… u have no real problems. it should be me screaming. ME
Not to brag but my kid is so polite she woke me up to check if she was making too much noise
A classic example of a cat being a cat.
There’s a class war brewing on the farm. It’s the hooves and the hoof nots.
“I’m married to a raving lunatic.”
– Actual quote from my husband, yesterday, confiding in our neighbor’s golden retreiver.Joke’s on him. That dog tells me everything.
The plan was to keep eating these alcoholic chocolates until I was either drunk or diabetic. I didn’t bargain on “bankrupt” being an option.
Everyone’s all worried about World War III. Worry about the important shit. Batman’s fighting Superman in 2016.
You ever do something so stupid, your mouth refuses to work so you can’t tell on yourself?
Remind me again … how many glasses of wine does it take to cook a turkey?
Friend: You’ll find love again.
Me: STOP THREATENING ME
I think tonight while my wife is asleep I’m going to pull on the satin ribbon she’s worn around her neck ever since the day I met her. What’s the worst that could happen. One lil tug
‘Did you hear, Tim died.’
Oh no, was it serious?
Son: *repeatedly yelling Dad*
Me: Dad’s in the garage.
Son: *repeatedly yelling Dad but louder now*
Siri, make me pancakes.
You have a Blackberry, Linda. Go home, Linda, you’re drunk.
Me: So how are you going to finance your second year of college?
Daughter: *drops a “Swear Jar” onto the counter*