Is my kitchen floor clean enough to eat off? No. Does that prevent me from eating off it? Also no.
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Thanksgiving is a magical time of year when families across America join together to raise the country’s obesity statistics.
[on a first date]
Her: Have you ate here before?
Me: Yeah, my wife and I come here all the time
I just stabbed a pin in my arm.
Somewhere out there a bunch of voodoo dolls just said ‘Ouch.’
Woke up against my better judgment again
A guy on a scooter just yelled at me for being on my phone at a red light so I yelled at him for being on a scooter
My oldest boy struggled with the lighter when shooting fireworks, but my 9 year old mastered it quickly, I don’t know whether to be proud or concerned.
TINDER DATE: When you said you looked exactly like you do in your profile pic, you weren’t lying.
ME: *kneeling outside the movie theatre, holding a fish* Nice to meet you, Rebecca.
Yeah? Well the Bible also tells us that abstinence isn’t 100% effective, Mary.
I read that the middle child is becoming extinct, so I guess you could say I’m an endangered species.
one of the most amazing things in nature is that the basketball hoop is the perfect size to fit a basketball through
[Obamacare Meeting]
*Biden raises hand*
*Obama sighs* Yes Joe?
Will the doctor still have lollipops?
Sure.
*Entire Congress sighs w/ relief*
the male barbie should’ve been named barbo
I smile whenever I say “cheese” regardless of whether or not my picture is being taken
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Shhh!-Librarians arguing
1. Rage against the machine.
2. Check to make sure machine is plugged in.
3. Apologize to the toaster for the misunderstanding.
Me: What are we doing for Valentine’s Day?
My Husband: Raising three kids
Just once I’d like to meet a person whose job is to make captchas so I can slap him in the face for making my life difficult.
If I was Taylor Swift I would only date men whose job has a lot of terms that are easy to rhyme with.
How are you gonna be in the throes of heartbreak and have to write a song rhyming with “line of scrimmage”?
“You busy tonight?”
Me: That 100% depends on what you’re about to say next.
Old cordless phones, for when you really need to be on the phone, but also need to sword fight the cat.
ELEMENTARY SCHOOL TEACHER: I don’t know, CAN you?
BILLY: *Sigh* MAY I sacrifice a goat to the great demon Belphegor?
TEACHER: Maybe after crafts.
My face when someone is offended by something super offensive I said to them:
On the bright side you only need one more brain cell and you could pass as a plant
I was standing in the line at McDonald’s yesterday and just as I got to the counter my boyfriend kissed me and then loudly said ‘you are the best sister ever’ and walked away and the girl in McDonald’s looked at me in disgust and I’ve never wanted to die so much in my life
So 4:38 pm is a good time to realize your shorts have been unzipped all day.
[rolls a boiled egg down the bar to a hot girl]
me – “that was an accident can I have my egg back please”
A man of commitment.
Jesus must’ve had a fortune if he paid for all my sins
Good for him😉🤣😉🤣😉🤣