If I were a cop, I’d focus on the people going the speed limit. They’re the ones with something to hide.
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Quick! Everyone on Facebook is at church! Let’s go steal all their shit!
Co-Worker: Any of you ever smoke a turkey?
Me: No, I always have trouble finding papers big enough to roll it in.
My boss: we’re gonna have to let you go
Me: *shouting over Slayer* why?
“I’m telling you, it’s all or nothing,” the exterminator explains to Noah, “I can’t just leave 2 woodworm. It doesn’t work like that.”
My Guy
At my funeral –
The pastor: “She was truly an angel that fell from heaven”
My ex, whispering to my other ex: “So was Lucifer!”
[I appear in 1985]
SCIENTIST: I have summoned you from the future with my time machine. What can you tell me of the years to come?
ME: Uh…hmm…uh…
SCIENTIST: You can’t think of anything?
ME: *snaps fingers, points at scientist* Nelly Furtado is like a bird
{Goldfish Funeral}
GOLDFISH 1: We’ll never forget him
GOLDFISH2: Forget who?
G1: What are you talking abo-OH MY GOD WHAT HAPPENED TO TEDDY?!
Hi I’m an evil ghost with the ability to defy time & space, but I think the best example of my powers will be to slightly close this door.
After so much bullshit the past few years this upcoming colonoscopy somehow feels political
Meets girl at bar.
Takes her to Ikea.Quickly learns the difference between one-night stand and one nightstand.
trainer: how long can you plank?
me: I pretty much planked after high school tbh
“I’m a night owl”
All owls are night owls. You are a regular owl.
cop: where were u between 7 and 8
me: third grade? idk
Carl: Perfect weather tonight.
Me: Tell me something I don’t know.
Carl: Butterflies taste with their feet.
Me: Fair enough.
WIFE: Oh darn I have a loose thread on my sweater.
ME: (waiting for the right time to tell her I bought a sword) Allow me m’ lady.
Welcome to your forties.
You brag about how early you went to bed and you’re jealous if someone beats you.
My son just said there was too much cheese on his quesadilla. I don’t understand where I went wrong.
Dentist switches lamp on: “Now open wide”
Moth dental assistant: *repeatedly flies into bulb*
Dentist: “This has to stop Denise”
i hate when you’re boiling an egg and it gets a crack in it and the egg’s ghost escapes. very scary and i don’t like it
[first day as a police sketch artist]
Victim: Why is there a meerkat in the picture?
Me: I used to do this at the zoo
Accidentally dialed 911 so I set my neighbor’s house on fire so I wouldn’t look stupid.
I had a stalker once but he saw me eating soup
The camera adds 10 pounds. The front facing iPhone camera adds 437 pounds.
“What’d you do today”
“Went on a treasure hunt”
“I hope you mean job hunt”
“Treasure hunt”
“You need to find a job”
“Not if I find treasure”
I still remember the childhood pain of having to wear a sweater over my Halloween costume, so don’t say I don’t know tragedy.
Did you know when someone annoys you it takes 42 muscles to frown but only 4 to extend your arm and punch them in the face.
The Bible says homosexuality is wrong. I forget the chapter. It’s somewhere between the talking snake and the virgin birth.
Baby Yoda ends up in the nativity scene ONE time and I’m no longer in charge