9:30 a.m. Gonna buy a sandwich for later
9:33 a.m. technically this is later
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In India, Twitter crush is choosen by your parents.
[calendar naming committee]
BOSS: how should we spell the second month
GUY WHO SPELLED WEDNESDAY: i have an idea
[2 Years into Cosmetology School]
Me:[applying perfect contours] When are we gonna start learning about space?
The door to door bible people just skipped my house! See, all it takes is trying to kiss the guy and he wont be back (until 3am)
According to the law it’s not appropriate to put a bounty on my boss. I actually thought it showed great initiative and leadership.
Superman’s first day at the daily planet.
Boss: Since you’re new, you might need supervision.
Clark: I have that, superhearing too.
Are you actually cleaning the house if you haven’t shouted at everyone in it?
Karma Chameleon is my favorite song about lizards getting what’s coming to them
I just read a story about someone finding a dead body at a Walmart. HOW EMBARRASING, I’d never be caught dead at a Walmart.
Easter egg hunts are fun but, some kids always get their eggs stolen by others. Also, I’m not allowed on the field this year.
everyone’s following their dreams while I’m over here happily following a food truck
Him: Why is there an antenna sticking out of your hair?
Me, definitely not an alien: Why are you humans so suspicious of everything?
Here is my toddler homeschooling schedule. Any questions?
8-10am: frozen
10-12pm: frozen 2
*lunch*
1-3: frozen
3-5:frozen 2
*dinner*
6-8pm: frozen
*bed*
A Viking in the midst of battle doesn’t have time to stop and cook dinner. WarDash™ brings your favorite meal right to your war.
“One of you will betray me” is such a dramatic thing to say at dinner????
Cooking oats with oat milk always feels like cannibalism and I’m not even an oat
If Seal was my friend, I would never miss an opportunity to ask him, “Wanna go clubbing?”
Haven’t refilled my prescriptions in a while. Which has been instrumental creating the mass grave beneath this wood shed.
The good news: She actually gave me her number
The bad news: She asked for it back after I fell and tripped into a plant walking away
Our youngest’s throat is so sore that she can’t talk, so we’re having her breathe on all the other kids.
Hope my marriage can make it through another season of disagreement over the pronunciation of pecan.
My daughter just asked me how to spell bourbon so she’s either asking Santa to hook up her old man or writing a letter to child services.
I keep waiting for my Cadbury Creme Eggs to hatch into Cadbury Creme Chickens, but no luck so far. And sitting on them certainly didn’t help
Current anxiety level: kindergartner who can’t unbutton his pants
Give it to me straight
“I’d really like to have sex with you-”
Now give it to me gay
“-r boyfriend.”
what did I do this weekend? saw 50 Shades Darker & coughed through the whole movie on purpose
Cop: Pull over
Me: you cold bro?
Him: The last couple of years have been tough.
Me: Tell me about it!
Him: Well, two years ago I…
Me: Don’t really, though.
Every time you make a typo
the errorists win.
*first day of umpire school*
Teacher: You seem disappointed, is there something wrong?
Me: *wearing fake fangs* no no it’s fine